Horrible

Assalamualaikum,

Hello there .
It's almost the year end and look at me. Things has changed so much, I started to screw up again . My previous post is the total opposite of where I am now . I no longer have a boyfriend, I'm lost and I may be smiling so much at the moment but my heart is torn apart . The flow I've been going through is coming to a bumpy road. The more I go on, the more I want to stop . Usually, the best time to talk about this is to seek your friends but maybe I couldn't take the heat even after a conversation because they aren't here to comfort me and instead, I'm wiping my own tears through the phone, getting my sleeves all wet . How is things ever going to be the same again ? I'm losing my smiles to a horrible memory .

I question myself everyday, if I could do anything about it . Now, all i can do is depend on myself and to not care as much as I did before because the lesser you care, the lesser it'll hurt . I used to love someone so much that everyone turned on me because I was controlling a life that I don't own and now, I stopped doing what I did and start a new beginning to the point where I just hung myself to say anything . Patience was everything they said, but how long will I endure the patience of not saying anything as I too have the right to say what I needed to say but i worry, what will they think and feel . I might lose the trust, the respect, the love, the care, the wants and the needs and I could be just another person in life to not be bother with .

Right now, my feelings are numb . I feel hate but I love, sad but happy and when I wanna feel, I feel empty . There's nothing to consume inside my heart no more . I guess this is the moment where I take a break from all the feelings that had been thrown at me . I was never a priority to my love ones anymore except for him, my ex and I knew I lost him because I was well aware of my empty feeling of nothing . I felt so bad and I may regret but I know I was never worthy of his love. It was too great for me to handle that I tire myself from holding on and for being afraid of the heartaches. Loving someone too much could destroy you . I'm no one to tell you but every relationship must ready a band-aid because you won't love someone so much till they're gone .

I know I fell for someone new yet old, a past love I never want to turn back to because I hate how he took me into his life and throw me somewhere far to catch me back again . It's like an off and on switch which he needs when he got nothing to do . I felt used but he wants me to trust him that there ain't another, that I was someone he wants to care so badly now and I wonder , what does trust means to him . Sometimes I felt like there was more than just me in his heart because I knew I could never measured up to the girl who is the reason why we stopped loving each other . It could be nothing now but it's a fear I can never run away from . Maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he just wants to be friends , no commitments and just normal friends getting along because I never felt love since that day he put me second. I don't blame him but I know I wasn't someone important to him , not as much as what he does in his daily life but I don't mind now . Like I said, I feel empty. I could taste hurt but my heart is numb from all the heartaches . I cried enough to cry some more.

I hope this tells you enough about my life

Goodnight