tore my letter, deleted you name from my bio,
i was a fool to think you changed .... Bye .
20120831
20120830
Heuston Aiman
So I haven't showed my boyfriend's picture yet on my blog and some would be wondering how he looks like and so here it is . He's the guy in the middle with his collared stripped shirt :) sorry Bie but I stole it on your whatsapp picture :p and I just think that I should show them how adorable you are .
Hello there stranger, I don't like you
Assalamualaikum,
Few days ago i made an account on ask.fm and apparently i've been getting a lot of hate message and it sounded like the same person. THAT person called me ugly and bitch, told me she is scandal-ing with my current boyfriend and called me bodo as in without a H, bodoh. I mean, whatever, say it all you want but what did i do to make your life miserable ? Want to know something even funnier? She's my ex's girlfriend. I don't blame him nor am i blaming anyone but she needs to chill down. Don't put hatred on things you can't handle . You called him bodo and bitch, oh god, is that how you're going to treat your boyfriend. You're just a junior forgot sake and do show some respect. just because you can't handle a fight, you don't need to curse saying all those bullshit just to say i love you to him . I pitied him for getting a girl like you who CURSE a lot like it's nobody's business . For all i know, i don't see him any better but he's getting worse by the day . I don't know what his purpose but he seemed so stressed up and please stop it, he needs to study . Don't you dare ruin his life . Let him stay home if he wanna, you have no rights to demand anything .
So dear junior, if you're really that matured enough to handle relationship, stop cursing your own boyfriend . I don't like how you treat him, how you express your love because you can't even show it right . On behalf of his feelings, i don't think he can put up with your shits anymore and that's why you're here, in this position, in fights .
Oh and stop putting me inside your mess, I don't plan to exist in your love life nor your world or anything that has to involve with you . Get a life and solve your own problem and stop throwing hatreds !
Few days ago i made an account on ask.fm and apparently i've been getting a lot of hate message and it sounded like the same person. THAT person called me ugly and bitch, told me she is scandal-ing with my current boyfriend and called me bodo as in without a H, bodoh. I mean, whatever, say it all you want but what did i do to make your life miserable ? Want to know something even funnier? She's my ex's girlfriend. I don't blame him nor am i blaming anyone but she needs to chill down. Don't put hatred on things you can't handle . You called him bodo and bitch, oh god, is that how you're going to treat your boyfriend. You're just a junior forgot sake and do show some respect. just because you can't handle a fight, you don't need to curse saying all those bullshit just to say i love you to him . I pitied him for getting a girl like you who CURSE a lot like it's nobody's business . For all i know, i don't see him any better but he's getting worse by the day . I don't know what his purpose but he seemed so stressed up and please stop it, he needs to study . Don't you dare ruin his life . Let him stay home if he wanna, you have no rights to demand anything .
So dear junior, if you're really that matured enough to handle relationship, stop cursing your own boyfriend . I don't like how you treat him, how you express your love because you can't even show it right . On behalf of his feelings, i don't think he can put up with your shits anymore and that's why you're here, in this position, in fights .
Oh and stop putting me inside your mess, I don't plan to exist in your love life nor your world or anything that has to involve with you . Get a life and solve your own problem and stop throwing hatreds !
20120827
Love Letters
I don't normally write love letters to someone but when i do, i put all my heart into it. I'm thinking about him even at this kind of time . Lol, yay ! and I wanna try mailing it. I haven't tried the old school thing before, not by via post mail so this would be the first. Usually my transportation would be my own hands and the meeting point would be in school or somewhere to meet up. Funny how you could do so many things for someone you really love. Like he would probably say "Things you do for your love ones" True true :) but sadly, i don't have his address code, would ask him when it's morning or at the right time .
I'm excited for something new so yeah, keep smiling ! ^^
I'm excited for something new so yeah, keep smiling ! ^^
Rigggght and it's night
Assalamualaikum,
Greetings. It's night and uhh, late ? Of course . I'm having migraine nowadays and I'm not sure why, that's really bad since I'm having troubles on my head due to excessive thoughts . Need to release more and not keep things to myself much . I would hurt myself later . Anyways, I just met and talked to Heuston's mother 2 days ago and uhm, family apparently . It was kinda awkward since I'm not use to these kind of things, especially meeting someone through technology . His mother looks really nice and she's very pretty . I swear . Even though the camera quality was quite low, I could imagine how she looks like in some ways that I could picture her . Would really love to see her someday, in real life . Come to think of it, I was SO nervous when it comes to talking, I laughed and smile the whole time, I was practically shaking but I managed to overcome the first meet . It was unimaginable but quite satisfying.
Yesterday night, that is like 11.40pm or somewhere around there, my boyfriend talked about his ex . No no, it wasn't wrong since he was being nice but he told me, she was more than a best friend or a sister . What's that supposed to mean ? Not sure . She always sound amazing and that he could talk about her for minutes and hours if I was his best friend . I could bet you that . Not to mention, nothing that I could ever compete of . I'm jealous . Obliviously. Maybe I'm just a doll in a corner looking at some piece of fantasy that I could never encounter . Their friendship is stronger than my relationship with him. He would scold me if i say this but what if it's true ? That I'm never gonna make magic . I feel like I'm someone who appeared for a moment . I have a feeling of so much things that I always, I mean ALWAYS remind myself "Stop and just trust him" but I couldn't, not when it's all about her . She's an inspiration, last year in tuition and till now, she was always so glowy and that smile was made of real 3D feelings even though if it was just a fake smile. it's hard to believe that my boyfriend was her ex . Seriously, honestly and truthfully, every time I look at her face on instagram, my head keeps saying "she's his everything" and it hurts . I would fight that thought just so I could act normal again with him . Plus she's a friend of mine. I like her too :/ and so I laughed like it was nothing when her named was spoken from his mouth but deep inside, I felt like a boulder of two souls . Just like him and his sister .
Past aren't meant to be brought up in the present but what the heart wants is what the heart wants to feel again . She understand things that I couldn't . Maybe because I wasn't brought up in a family of separate love . Thus, I'm not trying to destroy anything nor I intend to do so even when they aren't close or its me hating . I would never do such cruel things . I'll let them be, whatever he wants to tell me I hear, even with a bit of a broken heart, I rather hear than not to hear at all . No secrets remember ? Because his heart is telling me a story and I'm the child who would remember .
I know you'll be reading this . You'll probably want to stop saying her name or not talk about your ex anymore . You promised me you wouldn't but you still do and now, I'm just trying to stone myself from feeling every shitness I'm having . I don't use vulgars but what rough things that comes to me become shits and it's been hurting for long . Don't say you're not a good boyfriend, i keep hearing that from every guy i've met and they still give me painful things to remember but you didn't, it's just talks that I'm getting . If you know what you did wrong, why aren't you doing anything to fix it ? You told me to teach you. I've taught three person now and you're the third and i hope it's much much better than anything that i had hoped for from a person and that you'd stay, stay forever. That was our dream remember? Our goal . To never leave, to be together till the end of our time and to be totally true to ourselves . I love being with you, you're the first person I'm trying to do things right again, Be someone better with and happy .
I hope you'll understand and i hope we could work things out by not trying to talk about this, please? I don't like you talking about my problems when i'm not talking about it at all . If i'm happy, be happy with me and not bring negative things up in a happy relationship .
Greetings. It's night and uhh, late ? Of course . I'm having migraine nowadays and I'm not sure why, that's really bad since I'm having troubles on my head due to excessive thoughts . Need to release more and not keep things to myself much . I would hurt myself later . Anyways, I just met and talked to Heuston's mother 2 days ago and uhm, family apparently . It was kinda awkward since I'm not use to these kind of things, especially meeting someone through technology . His mother looks really nice and she's very pretty . I swear . Even though the camera quality was quite low, I could imagine how she looks like in some ways that I could picture her . Would really love to see her someday, in real life . Come to think of it, I was SO nervous when it comes to talking, I laughed and smile the whole time, I was practically shaking but I managed to overcome the first meet . It was unimaginable but quite satisfying.
Yesterday night, that is like 11.40pm or somewhere around there, my boyfriend talked about his ex . No no, it wasn't wrong since he was being nice but he told me, she was more than a best friend or a sister . What's that supposed to mean ? Not sure . She always sound amazing and that he could talk about her for minutes and hours if I was his best friend . I could bet you that . Not to mention, nothing that I could ever compete of . I'm jealous . Obliviously. Maybe I'm just a doll in a corner looking at some piece of fantasy that I could never encounter . Their friendship is stronger than my relationship with him. He would scold me if i say this but what if it's true ? That I'm never gonna make magic . I feel like I'm someone who appeared for a moment . I have a feeling of so much things that I always, I mean ALWAYS remind myself "Stop and just trust him" but I couldn't, not when it's all about her . She's an inspiration, last year in tuition and till now, she was always so glowy and that smile was made of real 3D feelings even though if it was just a fake smile. it's hard to believe that my boyfriend was her ex . Seriously, honestly and truthfully, every time I look at her face on instagram, my head keeps saying "she's his everything" and it hurts . I would fight that thought just so I could act normal again with him . Plus she's a friend of mine. I like her too :/ and so I laughed like it was nothing when her named was spoken from his mouth but deep inside, I felt like a boulder of two souls . Just like him and his sister .
Past aren't meant to be brought up in the present but what the heart wants is what the heart wants to feel again . She understand things that I couldn't . Maybe because I wasn't brought up in a family of separate love . Thus, I'm not trying to destroy anything nor I intend to do so even when they aren't close or its me hating . I would never do such cruel things . I'll let them be, whatever he wants to tell me I hear, even with a bit of a broken heart, I rather hear than not to hear at all . No secrets remember ? Because his heart is telling me a story and I'm the child who would remember .
I know you'll be reading this . You'll probably want to stop saying her name or not talk about your ex anymore . You promised me you wouldn't but you still do and now, I'm just trying to stone myself from feeling every shitness I'm having . I don't use vulgars but what rough things that comes to me become shits and it's been hurting for long . Don't say you're not a good boyfriend, i keep hearing that from every guy i've met and they still give me painful things to remember but you didn't, it's just talks that I'm getting . If you know what you did wrong, why aren't you doing anything to fix it ? You told me to teach you. I've taught three person now and you're the third and i hope it's much much better than anything that i had hoped for from a person and that you'd stay, stay forever. That was our dream remember? Our goal . To never leave, to be together till the end of our time and to be totally true to ourselves . I love being with you, you're the first person I'm trying to do things right again, Be someone better with and happy .
I hope you'll understand and i hope we could work things out by not trying to talk about this, please? I don't like you talking about my problems when i'm not talking about it at all . If i'm happy, be happy with me and not bring negative things up in a happy relationship .
20120825
Saturday's Thoughts
Assalamualaikum,
Crazy isn't it, how holiday is almost over ? Sad case is that i ain't looking forward for school. I still prefer the boredness at home than the laziness of schooling .
So, I finally beat the record of 6 hours conversation with Mr. Heuston Aiman by 40 mins. Not an hour sadly because i got so sleepy that i happen to want to sleep quickly but no matter, I finally had a heart to heart talk with him. It's stupid of me to actually plan to end it because of a person I felt guilty with. I knew how much we needed each other that i finally realized that i was being stupid . He stopped me from saying things i was about to say and told me "You're my ONLY princess, the girl i want to marry someday. Don't say that, don't... I love you. You're the only one i want to be with." He's capable of saying things that would make me melt and that, that was his heart talking .
I told him that i haven't trust him yet and he knew how i wasn't fully fixed and that he wasn't shaking me to believe him but he hoped that i would. Right now, I'm trying my best to trust him and well, we pinkied in every single thing ever since. Possibly and it's cute that way . I can't rely on him too much and i shouldn't be hard on myself too. He's having fun at a concert now i guess. I'm not sure but it's better than sitting at home doing priceless things . Lol, we OOVOO-ed before he went out. He asked me if he looks nicely clothed and actually, he does. I mean why not? He looks good in anything . With his shiny teeth, his eyes when he smiles and Oh so gonna be Zac Efron body :) I hope he's doing good, I wouldn't want to bother him so i didn't give him a text on what's app even though I miss him teribbly. What to do when you live miles apart from love ones right? hahahaha well,
Till then
Crazy isn't it, how holiday is almost over ? Sad case is that i ain't looking forward for school. I still prefer the boredness at home than the laziness of schooling .
So, I finally beat the record of 6 hours conversation with Mr. Heuston Aiman by 40 mins. Not an hour sadly because i got so sleepy that i happen to want to sleep quickly but no matter, I finally had a heart to heart talk with him. It's stupid of me to actually plan to end it because of a person I felt guilty with. I knew how much we needed each other that i finally realized that i was being stupid . He stopped me from saying things i was about to say and told me "You're my ONLY princess, the girl i want to marry someday. Don't say that, don't... I love you. You're the only one i want to be with." He's capable of saying things that would make me melt and that, that was his heart talking .
I told him that i haven't trust him yet and he knew how i wasn't fully fixed and that he wasn't shaking me to believe him but he hoped that i would. Right now, I'm trying my best to trust him and well, we pinkied in every single thing ever since. Possibly and it's cute that way . I can't rely on him too much and i shouldn't be hard on myself too. He's having fun at a concert now i guess. I'm not sure but it's better than sitting at home doing priceless things . Lol, we OOVOO-ed before he went out. He asked me if he looks nicely clothed and actually, he does. I mean why not? He looks good in anything . With his shiny teeth, his eyes when he smiles and Oh so gonna be Zac Efron body :) I hope he's doing good, I wouldn't want to bother him so i didn't give him a text on what's app even though I miss him teribbly. What to do when you live miles apart from love ones right? hahahaha well,
Till then
20120823
I'll try
Assalamualaikum,
Today wasn't much to talk about. I went out to sunway for not much of shopping, Just bought a couple of socks for my brother and had dinner somewhere in Klang . I prefer the terms to be called "nothing" but I LOVE yesterday's activity . I got to Skype with my prince . The most unimaginable part is that, he had the most adorable look on his face when he got furious . I'm not sure how it's called but I mean literally, I fell for him over again . And talk about today, he said the sweetest thing that nobody ever said to me for like... Ever ? I'm not quite sure how he said it but he said he needed me and for the first time, I felt needed for my boyfriend . Usually I'll be the one needing them and they usually felt me like a nuisance . Maybe not but the way they treated me tells a whole lot of a story . Hence, I told him I wanted to mesmerize the moment when he told me that . I was going all teary inside . Didn't cry tears of joy though since he hated me crying for him .
He's been through a lot for the past few years and I hope someday, I could be there for him, make sure he wouldn't feel so alone when he needed someone . I want to be all he could ever needed, insyaallah such goal could be fulfilled with a prayer and effort i'm building up for him . That's what I'm trying to do . I might not say it but know that my heart is doing everything it can to mend itself into place for it to mend another's heart into another . I'll stand strong . I'll try .
Today wasn't much to talk about. I went out to sunway for not much of shopping, Just bought a couple of socks for my brother and had dinner somewhere in Klang . I prefer the terms to be called "nothing" but I LOVE yesterday's activity . I got to Skype with my prince . The most unimaginable part is that, he had the most adorable look on his face when he got furious . I'm not sure how it's called but I mean literally, I fell for him over again . And talk about today, he said the sweetest thing that nobody ever said to me for like... Ever ? I'm not quite sure how he said it but he said he needed me and for the first time, I felt needed for my boyfriend . Usually I'll be the one needing them and they usually felt me like a nuisance . Maybe not but the way they treated me tells a whole lot of a story . Hence, I told him I wanted to mesmerize the moment when he told me that . I was going all teary inside . Didn't cry tears of joy though since he hated me crying for him .
He's been through a lot for the past few years and I hope someday, I could be there for him, make sure he wouldn't feel so alone when he needed someone . I want to be all he could ever needed, insyaallah such goal could be fulfilled with a prayer and effort i'm building up for him . That's what I'm trying to do . I might not say it but know that my heart is doing everything it can to mend itself into place for it to mend another's heart into another . I'll stand strong . I'll try .
20120821
Sarawak
Assalamualaikum,
Just got back home from Sarawak 7 hours ago. It was tiring and there wasn't anything much there except the fact that i learn some geographical facts about the cultures around the South Malaysia. It was magnificent that there was dance performance by each cultures. I didn't expect it to be so daring but further all those weird ways of dancing, they made acrobatics stunts that mindblowned my thoughts. They look so cool. Talk about my hotel room, it's like i have my own apartment, we had a mini kitchen, 2 bedrooms and 2 toilets with dining table and tv room. Gah, I felt like having that place as my own . The amazing thing about the hotel room was that, there was fireflies roaming around our room window. They were pretty but the fact that they were blinking made me realize how the world is killing it with lights. Pity them though
Actually, I plan to upload the video of the dancing thing in my blog post but I haven't editted it yet so maybe soon ? Not sure if i would since i don't have much time and I AM kind of lazy. sorry for that.
We'll see how it turn up then, cheerios :)
Just got back home from Sarawak 7 hours ago. It was tiring and there wasn't anything much there except the fact that i learn some geographical facts about the cultures around the South Malaysia. It was magnificent that there was dance performance by each cultures. I didn't expect it to be so daring but further all those weird ways of dancing, they made acrobatics stunts that mindblowned my thoughts. They look so cool. Talk about my hotel room, it's like i have my own apartment, we had a mini kitchen, 2 bedrooms and 2 toilets with dining table and tv room. Gah, I felt like having that place as my own . The amazing thing about the hotel room was that, there was fireflies roaming around our room window. They were pretty but the fact that they were blinking made me realize how the world is killing it with lights. Pity them though
Actually, I plan to upload the video of the dancing thing in my blog post but I haven't editted it yet so maybe soon ? Not sure if i would since i don't have much time and I AM kind of lazy. sorry for that.
We'll see how it turn up then, cheerios :)
20120819
Sea drifts
It's not easy pretending to be fine . How hard it is to admit that I don't because I know somehow, you're going to ask me questions I don't want to answer . I've been hiding myself in the corner, taking the burden from my chest to be able to handle every heartache you gave me because you don't know that you are doing so . I thought a sorry was okay . I don't know why but it seems like I've come to a point that there'll be more sorry's to forgive and that you know somehow you're going to keep doing things accidentally and let me forgive you again. And again. And again. And again. I could say its okay a thousand times but my heart is falling apart again due to insecurities and false hopes . I knew that I couldn't do much to change that and no matter how hard you try, you're around those girls, saying sweet things that I barely hear myself from you . I didn't expect it to be easy but I trusted you . I know you don't like them but I'm a girl, I don't understand how a boy could say such words to a girl when they already have someone . The way you speak like you're flirting, what more could you do to make me feel so insecure ? I'm not fine . Totally not .
I don't want to pick up the calls . I don't want to hear another sorry, what's wrong and explanations.... I just want a normal, sweet and sincere relationship when you don't go around saying "sayang" "beautiful" to someone else that's not even your girlfriend . Maybe it's okay for you because you're used to calling them that but for me, it's big, TOO BIG that it hurts to hear it that it's for someone else . I know I'm your princess but don't you think it's still in terms of flirting ?
That night when you told me I should go clean my eyes and look at boys like its no big deal because you want me to have fun in Kuching, that night really bugged me to BITS . What do you think of me looking at boys is fun ? I'm not that easily drowned in boys . I don't see any attraction when I already have you . You don't get it. I'm not like you. You told me that you look at girls in tuition and maybe somewhere else but did I ever go around and describe such bodies ? No . Only celebrities . It hurt me that you could say that when you know I'm only falling head over heels for you . I don't take chances to go around kissing someone's butts when you're not looking okay ? I love you but now, I don't know, I'm sad... Really sad about what's going on right now ...
I'm going to cross oceans today morning after solat raya. I hope that you won't think of me, that way... It'll be easier for you to live your life the way you wanted to. I won't be there to be upset . I won't know anyways . You won't have to tell me . Plus, you need your friends more than me . That's how it should be ... Not me .
I don't want to pick up the calls . I don't want to hear another sorry, what's wrong and explanations.... I just want a normal, sweet and sincere relationship when you don't go around saying "sayang" "beautiful" to someone else that's not even your girlfriend . Maybe it's okay for you because you're used to calling them that but for me, it's big, TOO BIG that it hurts to hear it that it's for someone else . I know I'm your princess but don't you think it's still in terms of flirting ?
That night when you told me I should go clean my eyes and look at boys like its no big deal because you want me to have fun in Kuching, that night really bugged me to BITS . What do you think of me looking at boys is fun ? I'm not that easily drowned in boys . I don't see any attraction when I already have you . You don't get it. I'm not like you. You told me that you look at girls in tuition and maybe somewhere else but did I ever go around and describe such bodies ? No . Only celebrities . It hurt me that you could say that when you know I'm only falling head over heels for you . I don't take chances to go around kissing someone's butts when you're not looking okay ? I love you but now, I don't know, I'm sad... Really sad about what's going on right now ...
I'm going to cross oceans today morning after solat raya. I hope that you won't think of me, that way... It'll be easier for you to live your life the way you wanted to. I won't be there to be upset . I won't know anyways . You won't have to tell me . Plus, you need your friends more than me . That's how it should be ... Not me .
20120818
20120817
Sweeter than This & Nurul Aina Aidee
Assalamualaikum,
Woke up late today, as usual. Wished my DEAREST best friend, Nurul Aina Aidee a beautiful birthday. She's been a really sweet friend, sticking through all those rough times in life, She's probably the reason why I'm so patient throughout the whole way. Whenever I started cursing, she'll say something to make me realize that it isn't a good thing to swear and that it'll only make sins . Yeah, I've been a nice a girl because of her and reasons why i was always sticking to originality. I love her, MY SAYANG :) <3 muah muah, stay happy eventhough you're practically confuse with things right now . All i know is how much you love spending your day with your family so, i wish you a lovely raya and that you could escape all boundaries with peace . Happy birthday again !
Anyways, Yesterday me and Heuston :) had a really sweet time together on skype. No matter how virtual his look is online, he always have that perfect smile he'll give me when I smile. It's adorable, and I can't wait to see him soon. I'm waiting for the night when i can talk to him, probably after 9 I guess or so. His staying with his auntie for the meantime while waiting for his mother to come to Johor. I have a really curious mind of how his mother looks like. The way he describes it, makes it sound so wonderful that I eagerly wanting to meet her secretly . Hahaha Gah !
Till then .
20120816
Lonesome
Assalamualaikum,
Seems like today i didn't get to spend my day with him, checked my phone every minute thinking he would stop by to send me some words, but i know i shouldn't expect anything. I keep doing it. We did talk but it wasn't as long as i wanted it to be. He's busy having fun with his friends, i shouldn't get him too caught up with me all the time but it's been pretty lonely today . I should find someone to fill me in so it won't be lonesome but i don't know whom to spend my time with. I do have tons of friends but some things can't be change when they are busy running their own lives so i just roam the internet like a lifeless person. Felt like the old single me who had no one. I kinda did give myself a laugh for that. It's been a month and 2 weeks that i started having someone. How nostalgic but I'm happy, totally am . I swear . It's better than being alone, staying unhappy and stuck in yesterday's memory. He made changes that i needed .
Well, I hope he had a great day .
Sigh... I miss you ..
20120815
Uhh Hi !
Assalamualaikum,
I missed school today, I wasn't feeling that well anyways so I do have a good reason to take my day off from all the drama . Woke up at 9.05 am in the morning, thinking that i had slept for quite a long while when it was just a few hours after sahur . Started my day with twitter and a quick morning tweet to my prince. He usually is an early bird even though he sleeps like a bear but apparently, I woke up earlier than him today. We did have a small problem just now but it was fine after that. I couldn't possibly ignore him, not when he's all i ever think about in a day, everyday. He usually is a guy who knows his way back, No matter how stupid a matter is, even though it may be my fault, he would be the one with the "sorry's" . It's sweet when you think about it, I don't mind a thousand sorry's heard because i know he knows what i want him to know to not do it again and he didn't . I felt companied even though i was alone. He knew how i hated being alone thus he would do anything to talk to me, to make me reply his words and to let me know how much he loves me. I hope i make sense. Lol, #life
Tomorrow supposed to be a plan to iftar with our love ones but sadly, things happen and due to such circumstances, Azhar cancelled the plan. It's quite disappointing since it's almost the end of fasting and I haven't got a chance to iftar with my friends yet. I guess, that's that then. Oh and now I'm discussing with Haikal to iftar with the others, not sure if it'll work out but it'll do .
Ps. I don't actually want to blog today, I'm quite lazy but since my boyfriend ask me to so yeah, umm tadaa !
Till then :)
20120813
Storm
Having second thoughts is hard, when you fall in love but noticing how they were close to somebody and thinking if you were ever good enough, to understand what they've been through, to understand things that was impossible for us to even understand . I was in a dilemma . Life was never fair. We don't always get what we wanted and instead it explains to the opposite gift and it wasn't always so pleasant. I was jealous of them, of how they used to be so close to him before me, to had ever seen him everyday and unlike me, it was always virtual and for once, I was able to hold him in my arms and that was momentarily. Waiting was never a skill, it was torture but i was yet to given up reality. I noticed how i wasn't the only one missing him, it was the past all over again. I mean think about it, if you ever come back, who would you see first? Your friends or your lover? They say friends were much more important and i was that lover who always got left out in every status. I was practically nothing in the end.
Long distance is nice, you'll love, miss and want each other more but whatever plans you made would probably be jeopardize by friends. LIFE..... It was never easy . You only sacrifice more instead of getting sacrifices from others. I don't care what had gone in his past but i just hope that he realize that I'm a present, maybe the present of his future. It'll be sad if it doesn't workout, I don't even know if I was still in his mind. There could be others much better to think about and I'm just a second deal in a chapter. Love is about trust, and I do trust him but I doubt things that I'm not the only one revolving around him. I was left alone again, sided in the mind of a blank page and I don't even know where to go from here. I was always flowing, flowing to hope that things would grow better somehow . He kept me company at night/morning/day/evening and every second of my life and i just had to give him a ring but I didn't. I always waited for him to start the conversation first, Just to make sure he was thinking about me, just so i could know that i wasn't the only one feeling what he feels but if this goes on, it wouldn't be fair for him, just because he's a guy, he got to the job. I want to make him notice how much i've been thinking about him but I get insecure with what i have even though he already accepted every part of me like a husband. I don't know, I doubt myself i was ever good enough for him, reasons why people leave me for a memory.
I pray to Allah, There'll be away for me to get away from this terrible thoughts that has been running through my mind all day. Amin.
Long distance is nice, you'll love, miss and want each other more but whatever plans you made would probably be jeopardize by friends. LIFE..... It was never easy . You only sacrifice more instead of getting sacrifices from others. I don't care what had gone in his past but i just hope that he realize that I'm a present, maybe the present of his future. It'll be sad if it doesn't workout, I don't even know if I was still in his mind. There could be others much better to think about and I'm just a second deal in a chapter. Love is about trust, and I do trust him but I doubt things that I'm not the only one revolving around him. I was left alone again, sided in the mind of a blank page and I don't even know where to go from here. I was always flowing, flowing to hope that things would grow better somehow . He kept me company at night/morning/day/evening and every second of my life and i just had to give him a ring but I didn't. I always waited for him to start the conversation first, Just to make sure he was thinking about me, just so i could know that i wasn't the only one feeling what he feels but if this goes on, it wouldn't be fair for him, just because he's a guy, he got to the job. I want to make him notice how much i've been thinking about him but I get insecure with what i have even though he already accepted every part of me like a husband. I don't know, I doubt myself i was ever good enough for him, reasons why people leave me for a memory.
I pray to Allah, There'll be away for me to get away from this terrible thoughts that has been running through my mind all day. Amin.
Conclusions
Assalamualaikum,
Raya is just around the corner and everyone is ready for their vacations but this year I'm not celebrating since my grandma is doing her UMRAH for 2 weeks. She just took off at 10+ am this morning and she got another 3 hours to land in Mecca :) and yesterday, I celebrated my Sister's 13th birthday. She didn't actually liked this year's cake since it wasn't as what she wanted even though it's Baskin Robin, THE Baskin Robin . Basically we actually knew what she wanted, an Oreo ice cream cake but there wasn't any and we ended up buying a vanilla ice cream cake with oreo on top on each corners. Sorry but we still wish you every happiness.
Today, I ended up not talking to Afina for the whole day. I mean, she misunderstood things. I knew how sensitive she is and well, i kinda told her the point of not knowing things for the right reasons but well, she thought that me and Ainin didn't trust her. PLUS, it was Ainin who wanted to talk to me and it got nothing to do with me not wanting to tell her but she envied the thoughts of me knowing things she didn't. I wanted to tell her what but she put me away and I had to become the victim to this whole situation just because i was needed by somebody. All 3 of us are offended in a way but i had to be patient with every possibilities in life. It probably broke me to pieces that my own best friend took this waaaay too serious and I kinda got hurt. Didn't she notice that i was always the back up plan, she didn't always tell me things, she always searched for Ainin and when she is going through hard times and needed a smile, she didn't want me but she wanted her instead. She said she doesn't like me and love Ainin more than me but did i ever leave her? No, and I would never betray someone i care so much. She became a family to me, i didn't complain even though i was hurt by such words. She didn't notice that, No, i don't think so.
So hard i had to put up with her attitude towards me, I still cared for her and if she doesn't understand a thing, i would look at her and ask her "You faham tak?" when she got silent in class trying to solve a question. ALWAYS.
I don't want to argue, no matter how much she change, i still plan to stay. That's what true friends are for right? to be there for each other even when rough things get in our way? Yeah, I'll stay, and i just hope you realize that. No matter how hard it is for me, I'll be here when you need me, like how it should, like how it supposed to be . I'll just smile and I hope you understand that i'm not saying that you're troublesome, like a parent, they will be there for their child no matter how hard they look up to us .
20120811
Iftar
Assalamualaikum,
I'm going to have iftar/dinner at Klang Executive Club (KEC) today with a special guest, my grandmother :)
It's been awhile since i last seen her, that was umm..... last Raya ? Woah. But whatever it is, i admire her very much. She's one of the stylish grandmother i've had ever seen. She loves Red lipsticks and the way she wears her hijab amazes me to the max. Like literally, it's nice. She wore a pink jubah with a black hijab and a pink silk along it. Stylish yet religious. Someday, I would like to be her kind. Surely, I'm determined. Insyaallah, It'll happen the way it should be :)
Yesterday's iftar in school was a delight, ate nasi briyani (Not quite sure if it is) with ayam masak merah, Amira's satay, Aina's dadih, sausage karipap and Tepung Pelita (I think that's the name) Went from empty stomach to overload . Prayed with a smile on my face since i had tons of fun with my friends. Even though on that same day, I fought with my boyfriend, we made up with a clear mind. I'm happy .
I'm going to have iftar/dinner at Klang Executive Club (KEC) today with a special guest, my grandmother :)
It's been awhile since i last seen her, that was umm..... last Raya ? Woah. But whatever it is, i admire her very much. She's one of the stylish grandmother i've had ever seen. She loves Red lipsticks and the way she wears her hijab amazes me to the max. Like literally, it's nice. She wore a pink jubah with a black hijab and a pink silk along it. Stylish yet religious. Someday, I would like to be her kind. Surely, I'm determined. Insyaallah, It'll happen the way it should be :)
Yesterday's iftar in school was a delight, ate nasi briyani (Not quite sure if it is) with ayam masak merah, Amira's satay, Aina's dadih, sausage karipap and Tepung Pelita (I think that's the name) Went from empty stomach to overload . Prayed with a smile on my face since i had tons of fun with my friends. Even though on that same day, I fought with my boyfriend, we made up with a clear mind. I'm happy .
20120810
Your Queen Alia ;)
Hahahaha Hey ! Happy Birthday !! :D
Wish you an ever lasting magical life in LIFE . Oh and hopefully you'll do well in your STPM exam (Is that right ? :O) We may not see each other much but you're never forgotten and I really miss you dearly :( since the end of the show Hunger Games at MBO . I hope you're doing well. and and, I remember that you wanted me to make you a post on my blog and I DID :) How could forget ? You mean a lot me even though we made so little memories together, You're awesome. You're such a Hogwarts friend ;)
May Allah bless you magically, Amin <3
Sincerely,
Sarah Adriana
Wish you an ever lasting magical life in LIFE . Oh and hopefully you'll do well in your STPM exam (Is that right ? :O) We may not see each other much but you're never forgotten and I really miss you dearly :( since the end of the show Hunger Games at MBO . I hope you're doing well. and and, I remember that you wanted me to make you a post on my blog and I DID :) How could forget ? You mean a lot me even though we made so little memories together, You're awesome. You're such a Hogwarts friend ;)
May Allah bless you magically, Amin <3
Sincerely,
Sarah Adriana
20120809
Leaving Marks
Sometimes i wish people could see that I'm not always fine. I have my mood, no one is happy forever even when they look like it. Life isn't always about understanding yourself, it's about taking a chances to understand part of others and I'm that person to do it. Reasons why i don't seem to always look fine since learning people's lifestyle is part of growing up and making right decisions. It may be an annoyance but when people advises you, You just got to accept the fact that it's what they've been through and even though it may not got anything to do with you, somehow, you just got to consider the options, life is a journey where you just got to take risk and do things beyond your wild imaginations right ?
I don't get why I felt a weight in my heart like something just wants me to know they're not fine. I cry often due to such emotions, those feelings that you're unsure why you should be .Funny how surprises could put you to a state where you'll smile so fondly but when there's a time you're alone, you know that there's the dark place where I'm right fit into . I tried convincing myself that I'm not alone, when I needed someone, I could just ring a bell on their phone, call them up, tell them how I feel, let them hear my cries at night but nowadays, I just kept it to myself. Being sad isn't the case but feeling so alone is. For years being hated by many and suddenly, I got friends who cares for me, thinks of me and couldn't live without me. It's surprisingly sweet but I was never used to it. Having friends around, I wasn't so sure about giving trust to them.I was failed by tons of humans before, they back stabbed each other like it's a joke and was never sure of how i would feel knowing the pain. All i heard was laughter flooding the classroom doors. That Primary moments when you just felt like forgetting but couldn't . I'm extremely traumatized.
I remember i made promises with someone, I was sure to keep it, might break a few but replace them with something warm . I was always to let down, I couldn't hold any pain after every heartache. "I won't leave you" was a joke to me since then. Was I even sure that, that particular word means something to them or they just want me to feel good about myself, like i'm some kind of unicorn . I'm not unique, I'm just different. Maybe life just haunts me to sleep, maybe I was never used to reality even when I experienced so much but still felt every breaking moments of life.
I am not a superhero.
"You learn from mistakes."
I heard it somewhere, maybe somewhere around the net and I made it a word of wisdom so i could go on perfectly and I am, I'm trying to be so but nobody's perfect since there'll be day when the moon loses it's shape and I lose myself. Therefore, I was never close to being fixed, I'm still broken to bits.
I don't get why I felt a weight in my heart like something just wants me to know they're not fine. I cry often due to such emotions, those feelings that you're unsure why you should be .Funny how surprises could put you to a state where you'll smile so fondly but when there's a time you're alone, you know that there's the dark place where I'm right fit into . I tried convincing myself that I'm not alone, when I needed someone, I could just ring a bell on their phone, call them up, tell them how I feel, let them hear my cries at night but nowadays, I just kept it to myself. Being sad isn't the case but feeling so alone is. For years being hated by many and suddenly, I got friends who cares for me, thinks of me and couldn't live without me. It's surprisingly sweet but I was never used to it. Having friends around, I wasn't so sure about giving trust to them.I was failed by tons of humans before, they back stabbed each other like it's a joke and was never sure of how i would feel knowing the pain. All i heard was laughter flooding the classroom doors. That Primary moments when you just felt like forgetting but couldn't . I'm extremely traumatized.
I remember i made promises with someone, I was sure to keep it, might break a few but replace them with something warm . I was always to let down, I couldn't hold any pain after every heartache. "I won't leave you" was a joke to me since then. Was I even sure that, that particular word means something to them or they just want me to feel good about myself, like i'm some kind of unicorn . I'm not unique, I'm just different. Maybe life just haunts me to sleep, maybe I was never used to reality even when I experienced so much but still felt every breaking moments of life.
I am not a superhero.
"You learn from mistakes."
I heard it somewhere, maybe somewhere around the net and I made it a word of wisdom so i could go on perfectly and I am, I'm trying to be so but nobody's perfect since there'll be day when the moon loses it's shape and I lose myself. Therefore, I was never close to being fixed, I'm still broken to bits.
Buka Puasa
Can't wait for tomorrow, to Iftar with my buds :) I've been looking forward for today since form 1 but i ended up getting sick every year . Sadly, i haven't got any luck to be there but tomorrow is the day and I'm all healthy and green. SO relieved. And I'm not sure what to wear. I mean, of course I would wear baju kurung but I'm not sure which one to wear. Heheheh, Let's hope everything will go right tomorrow. Insyaallah .
I also can't wait for the 8 hours conversation with Heuston on skype/viber. If my boy sleeps again, I'll totally would murder him -.- It's been.... um 6/7/8 times he fell asleep during our talks. Am I that boring ? Lol
That's all for today, Keep smiling :)
I also can't wait for the 8 hours conversation with Heuston on skype/viber. If my boy sleeps again, I'll totally would murder him -.- It's been.... um 6/7/8 times he fell asleep during our talks. Am I that boring ? Lol
That's all for today, Keep smiling :)
20120808
I shouldn't expect Anything
Assalamualaikum,
Today sucked so bad, hated the exam, hated why the government made such plans for the future when the plans are un-agreeable . Have they ever thought of asking US first? The students who's taking the History paper 3 ? NO, and like HECK they should . I mean we can't even answer history's questions properly and they plan to make another shitty paper? WHAT THE FUUUUUUU......! Okay, so whatever happens, I don't plan to curse much today .
My heart saddened again today, not sure why but i told him, I told him I felt like crying and i know i should have accept the offer of him staying by my side during my worse scenarios but he needed some rest, I don't want to look at my love one sick, tired and see me without a smile on my face. I may have cried like crazy to him before but that was way before we were together and now that we are, I don't want him to look at me frowning for all of a sudden. I told him i needed some space while he get some rest so instead of saying "take care" "I'm here if you need me, just give me a call" or something like that, he just ended the call on skype with a bye. I thought he'd understand but when i think again, I can't expect him to say things i want to hear from him but maybe if he acted like yesterday, said that he would, maybe I wouldn't have to be so sad now. Too vulnerable to not be treated right for once in awhile. Screw me, SCREW MY HEART . I'm just crying myself to sleep now, just another feeling of a time to forget things. Those best times when you wake up and not thinking about anything.... yeah, that feels better .
Today sucked so bad, hated the exam, hated why the government made such plans for the future when the plans are un-agreeable . Have they ever thought of asking US first? The students who's taking the History paper 3 ? NO, and like HECK they should . I mean we can't even answer history's questions properly and they plan to make another shitty paper? WHAT THE FUUUUUUU......! Okay, so whatever happens, I don't plan to curse much today .
My heart saddened again today, not sure why but i told him, I told him I felt like crying and i know i should have accept the offer of him staying by my side during my worse scenarios but he needed some rest, I don't want to look at my love one sick, tired and see me without a smile on my face. I may have cried like crazy to him before but that was way before we were together and now that we are, I don't want him to look at me frowning for all of a sudden. I told him i needed some space while he get some rest so instead of saying "take care" "I'm here if you need me, just give me a call" or something like that, he just ended the call on skype with a bye. I thought he'd understand but when i think again, I can't expect him to say things i want to hear from him but maybe if he acted like yesterday, said that he would, maybe I wouldn't have to be so sad now. Too vulnerable to not be treated right for once in awhile. Screw me, SCREW MY HEART . I'm just crying myself to sleep now, just another feeling of a time to forget things. Those best times when you wake up and not thinking about anything.... yeah, that feels better .
20120807
Grateful
I'm glad that even though i didn't say anything about my day to my boyfriend, he seems to always lighten up my soul, ease my heart and let all those pains i have, go away. To tell you the truth, I never want to leave him, He's the best thing i could ever have. I don't want it to end. I wish he was here, I could hug him, tell him everything that I wanted to say to him, tell him how much he really means to me . Reasons why i held my phone 24/7 a day, everyday.
Bie, If you read this, Please know that I'm not fully recovered, I'm still mending my heart so i easily get hurt but I'm trying my best to be as bright as the sun and still shine like the moon for you, for us, for myself. I love you more than anything, everything. Please don't mention anything that will break us apart, don't leave me. Don't be like the rest and keep your pinky promises. Those are the littlest things that means so much to us .
Bie, If you read this, Please know that I'm not fully recovered, I'm still mending my heart so i easily get hurt but I'm trying my best to be as bright as the sun and still shine like the moon for you, for us, for myself. I love you more than anything, everything. Please don't mention anything that will break us apart, don't leave me. Don't be like the rest and keep your pinky promises. Those are the littlest things that means so much to us .
"Let no soul stop you from shining, you're the moon, the sun and the stars in the sky"
Back to Page 1
Assalamualaikum,
Hmm, Not sure if we will talk again but i'm glad that we ain't in the same team. I would probably screw up and well, now it's an individual task, I'm not sure about taking it OR..... is it a compulsory task given.....? Okay Whuuuuuut? hahahaha, Whatever happens next, It's a surprise bound to happen without any expectation of mine . Surely, I mean look at us, We don't have anything to talk about, we can't look at each other and it's weird. It's just plain WEIRD. He doesn't even care about what had happen so I shouldn't too, that's what it is since 4 months ago. Moving on was all his idea and my plan is now to not repeat any of those past memories. It hurts to know how sweet memories have to fade. I never plan to continue such sweet things in someone who changed so badly. Yes, it's bad, he's not someone I used to know before. People change right? People change and I can't do anything about it but just see them fly away from my eyes and be something I don't remember seeing years ago. I'm living happily now, I'm smiling so fondly just like he wanted so I've done my part and i take back everything i said, I'm so not ready to talk to him. How natural i could be in front him, I could not lie to my heart. It's torture. I've been where I am before but it sucks so bad because You're
you know what. I think I'll end the post here and forget that any of these happened .
Hmm, Not sure if we will talk again but i'm glad that we ain't in the same team. I would probably screw up and well, now it's an individual task, I'm not sure about taking it OR..... is it a compulsory task given.....? Okay Whuuuuuut? hahahaha, Whatever happens next, It's a surprise bound to happen without any expectation of mine . Surely, I mean look at us, We don't have anything to talk about, we can't look at each other and it's weird. It's just plain WEIRD. He doesn't even care about what had happen so I shouldn't too, that's what it is since 4 months ago. Moving on was all his idea and my plan is now to not repeat any of those past memories. It hurts to know how sweet memories have to fade. I never plan to continue such sweet things in someone who changed so badly. Yes, it's bad, he's not someone I used to know before. People change right? People change and I can't do anything about it but just see them fly away from my eyes and be something I don't remember seeing years ago. I'm living happily now, I'm smiling so fondly just like he wanted so I've done my part and i take back everything i said, I'm so not ready to talk to him. How natural i could be in front him, I could not lie to my heart. It's torture. I've been where I am before but it sucks so bad because You're
you know what. I think I'll end the post here and forget that any of these happened .
20120806
Aina Firzana
Happy Birthday Aina!! :D
I know we barely talk but when we do, we usually have a lot of things/activities to say and plan together . You've been a lovely friend, BEST friend apparently and whatever happens, i hope we won't forget each other. Knowing you is bittersweet but I'm fine through all the stuff that has happen in my life. You gave me words of advice, told me that moving on was never easy and that someday I could do things again with a smile on my face. Have a nice day and celebrate well :) "There's always a way through all the storms" -words of wisdom-Keep smiling !!
Sincerely,
Sarah Adriana
20120803
Awkward Moment
Assalamualaikum,
Guess what? I finally, i mean, FINALLY talked to him. Well, it wasn't as easy as i thought, we were laughing for a reason we ain't sure about but we barely looked at each other in the eye. My hands were shivering, my heart was beating like mad, LIKE who wouldn't be feeling the same way as I do? A person who used to be my everything is in front of me and some shits happen that we never talked for 4 months and suddenly, I'm talking to him again. So how am I suppose to react to that? Awkward of course but i got to tell him what i had to tell him. Maybe this conversation will last till this art thing is over? It's a competition and my arts teacher want me and him to be in a group. I wonder what's her idea of putting us in the same team while others are like 1 person only. Funny but i guess, it's the only way to get things done ASAP. Insyaallah, we'll win, I'm still figuring out the things to put in the picture. I'm pretty sure, it would be messy if everything is in the same canvas so i need to neatly arrange it. I might be sketching 2 papers of the ideas ? Hmm yeah, Let's do this thing!
Guess what? I finally, i mean, FINALLY talked to him. Well, it wasn't as easy as i thought, we were laughing for a reason we ain't sure about but we barely looked at each other in the eye. My hands were shivering, my heart was beating like mad, LIKE who wouldn't be feeling the same way as I do? A person who used to be my everything is in front of me and some shits happen that we never talked for 4 months and suddenly, I'm talking to him again. So how am I suppose to react to that? Awkward of course but i got to tell him what i had to tell him. Maybe this conversation will last till this art thing is over? It's a competition and my arts teacher want me and him to be in a group. I wonder what's her idea of putting us in the same team while others are like 1 person only. Funny but i guess, it's the only way to get things done ASAP. Insyaallah, we'll win, I'm still figuring out the things to put in the picture. I'm pretty sure, it would be messy if everything is in the same canvas so i need to neatly arrange it. I might be sketching 2 papers of the ideas ? Hmm yeah, Let's do this thing!
20120802
1 Monthsary
Baby ! My Prince ! Sweetheart !
HAPPY 1 MONTHSARY !! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY !
It's been a month now and well, i felt like it's been more than that. I'm surprised and I know how we fought so much from now and then(since the first time we talked to each other pun, LOL) but but, I'm glad that every time we do, we know how to get back with each other. No running away and just spaces so we'll have time to rethink things . I LOVE you, You're like so adorable and mean at the same time. Reminds me of how my best friend, Afina treats me. Innocent yet evil hahah. Oh and and, I wish we'll stay for like..... ever ? with each other, maybe until umm, marriage ? Wow, okay, i thought that far but maybe i see future in us. I'm not sure, only god knows what, Insyaallah, It's something good .
Okay okay, know what? If you ever come to surprise me with your presence in front of my school, I swear to god, I'll never let you go. I'll hug you so tight that I'll just, I'll just cry tears of joy? Hmm yeah :3 hehehe, Whatever happens next, it's an adventure worth walking on. I never had a reason to leave you and i hope you do too, the way i see it, I trust you and i really hope you won't break that trust of mine because I know that you're not the kind to lie .
And bie, i know i've been a bad girlfriend, whining a lot and all and so, I'm sorry with the bottom of my heart, I'm truly am and I really, really appreciate those guts you have, putting up with all of my bullshits and still try, to make me smile. It's what i like the most about you. You just, you just try to fix things no matter how hard i pushed you away, you just know what to say, know how to flutter my heart and make me fall for you over and over again . You're the greatest, even when we just know each other for umm like... 2 months ? We just, CLICKED . Not sure how it happened but well, whatever it is, I love how we made the reach to get to 1 month.
I miss your hugs, those arms you used to wrap around me when we first met in Subang Parade, how fast you got to know my weakness with just a mere breath at my weakspot, when i pushed you away because I was so embarrass and how we continued to hug again because it'll be a long time till we meet again . I'll never forget . Not those moments . NEVER .
Only the clouds could rain so much when the sea took it's breath away to the sky .
Yours Truly,
Sarah Adriana
HAPPY 1 MONTHSARY !! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY !
It's been a month now and well, i felt like it's been more than that. I'm surprised and I know how we fought so much from now and then(since the first time we talked to each other pun, LOL) but but, I'm glad that every time we do, we know how to get back with each other. No running away and just spaces so we'll have time to rethink things . I LOVE you, You're like so adorable and mean at the same time. Reminds me of how my best friend, Afina treats me. Innocent yet evil hahah. Oh and and, I wish we'll stay for like..... ever ? with each other, maybe until umm, marriage ? Wow, okay, i thought that far but maybe i see future in us. I'm not sure, only god knows what, Insyaallah, It's something good .
Okay okay, know what? If you ever come to surprise me with your presence in front of my school, I swear to god, I'll never let you go. I'll hug you so tight that I'll just, I'll just cry tears of joy? Hmm yeah :3 hehehe, Whatever happens next, it's an adventure worth walking on. I never had a reason to leave you and i hope you do too, the way i see it, I trust you and i really hope you won't break that trust of mine because I know that you're not the kind to lie .
And bie, i know i've been a bad girlfriend, whining a lot and all and so, I'm sorry with the bottom of my heart, I'm truly am and I really, really appreciate those guts you have, putting up with all of my bullshits and still try, to make me smile. It's what i like the most about you. You just, you just try to fix things no matter how hard i pushed you away, you just know what to say, know how to flutter my heart and make me fall for you over and over again . You're the greatest, even when we just know each other for umm like... 2 months ? We just, CLICKED . Not sure how it happened but well, whatever it is, I love how we made the reach to get to 1 month.
I miss your hugs, those arms you used to wrap around me when we first met in Subang Parade, how fast you got to know my weakness with just a mere breath at my weakspot, when i pushed you away because I was so embarrass and how we continued to hug again because it'll be a long time till we meet again . I'll never forget . Not those moments . NEVER .
Only the clouds could rain so much when the sea took it's breath away to the sky .
Yours Truly,
Sarah Adriana
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