2012

I finally took a time to do this for an hour which i wasted for my BM folio . Whatever it is here's the memories I took from my phone since I have like 800+ pics, and so here I pick the lucky 300+ :)

May 2013 becomes a thing I look forward to . My joy <3

Almost New Year

Assalamualaikum,

I'm getting excited for 2013 to fly by fast because I can't wait to get over the big terms . I mean, have you ever thought that one day you'll be sitting for something that will defines your future? How much have we studied to come to an end of school days ? I never did but since I'm near the end, I'm feeling every nerves in my cells . I hope I don't disappoint my family about all the things I've did over the past (I know I did many). I may not study much but I did try my best and I did study a lot at some point and that was always in the last minute . (not good)

I haven't even start my school's folio , I'm so dead now . Well till then people, it's time to get on to it !

Guilty But...

I don't know why I'm even doing this to myself to him . I don't even know what's wrong with me . I feel so depressed and sad and that i don't even know what I'm doing anymore . When I think again, I was pretty sure it wasn't him being away from me . I don't have a reason to be . This is way more than being insecure since I blocked him on whatsapp, twitter and deactivated my viber . I was avoiding from things that involves with him . It felt like the whole thing was getting ready for a countdown till everything would be gone and it's like that one day, I'm not gonna be able to control my tears and patience .

I really miss him and as much as i do, i cried . I couldn't dare myself to even call him . If i was to call him, there was nothing to be said but simple words in reply . I thought to myself in the evening, guessing and fixing and that i finally knew why . I was getting ready for the day when we could barely pick up our phones next year . We would be miles apart again, we won't even have time to even reply to our texts . Our lives would be busy and I was learning to be independent and that i wouldn't have to rely on him at all times and because I love him, I was pushing myself away to live alone for the day to come . I was taking chances while he is away right now . I'm sure he won't be lonely, he got people who loves and cares for him . They know him better than me . I mean, I only know him for 6 months and i never know how his childhood was like . I know it was hurtful and very lonely but i never how it goes. I only know 3/10 of it and I understood everything without even asking for more stories because I don't want him to remember such painful past of his nor would I even want to hear such sadness he had gone through . I just want to live happily with him and I want him to be happy and he should know that, me being happy is not the way of him to be happy. How much he told me that he would, i couldn't believe that . Every one has a dream and a wish and it wasn't always about somebody else's feelings . I know he knows that so I'm trying hard to stop being a baby and worry him . I'll learn to be strong for him .
So

Dear Prince,
If you're reading this, please understand . For the days you'll be gone, let me learn to live alone so that when the day comes, I wouldn't be SO sad . You know I love you truly and you know I don't want to burden you . I'm a big girl right ? and I wont leave you...

Ever :')

Grace

Assalamualaikum,

It's still morning apparently and so, i hope you people who read this have a lovely day by wasting your time to even read this . Just had Milo for my morning drink, didn't eat for breakfast since I'm just chilling my stomach from all the bloating and stuff . I've been eating a lot and it's a sign of me almost to my women cycle. It's not as fun as you think, i mean the bleeding and changing . It's like dressing yourself up like a baby when our diapers are full . Whatever it is, I'm gonna go through that really soon .

Didn't receive my morning call today due to my boyfriend staying over at his friend's house for her sister's birthday and yes, the friend is a SHE if you're asking and how am i to allow my own boyfriend to stay at another girl's house? Let's just say, they are his close friends and they're like his family . I do get insecure but relationship is about trust right ? ...... OKAY screw that, I don't trust him, but what can i do? It's his life . All i ever did was be patient when he does stuff that I don't want him to . All i am left is just... umm, books ? Add maths books.

I have been studying these days . Trying to catch up . I'm not smart but I have a wide forehead and I'm sure my brain could fit some information that i don't need from studies . It's not fun nor it is helpful . I don't want to work in an office . It's not cosy with silence and phone rings , I love travelling and i hope I get a job with something to do with that .

That concludes today's post .

Later .

This Change

Assalamualaikum,

How are you guys ? Hope you're in pink health .
If you're asking me, it's been rough this few days . There were changes . Well, in my relationship and I was afraid of changes . Going through the same thing over and over again with the same thing in guys and in the end, they would leave, leaving nothing except beautiful memories that you wish you would forget . I was afraid that one day when he change, feelings change . I never want that and that I told him about this . I wasn't afraid to tell him off but I was afraid he might take it hard on himself and started blaming himself for all the things he caused me . Partially, it's my fault too, for not taking care of him that well . All I ever did was be selfish, and in one a fight, I'll run away, from everything . Not talking and just lie down on my bed thinking what and when it'll happen, what will I do ? and the one trying everything to work things out was him . He begged, he cheers, he tries, that's what he'll do and what if, what if he never do it again ? He got tired of trying ? I threw all my feelings out on twitter with a little bit of mood swings and then he knew I was talking about him that he needed to talk to me .

At 9.07 pm, he gave me a whatsapp text to tell me that he was worried too .

"Dear My Princess, Im sorry i stop treating u like how i used to.. :'( I know I promised not to stop doing things i did to get u b4 i was with u.. Im sorry im not ur peter pan :'/ Im sorry tht i keep on mking u cry T^T , make u feel insecure, make u moody and keep hurting you.. Honestly idk wht im doing.. But I really love u :* . I really really do... Idk y but u just do.. Im trying to not become like ur exe's :( but the more i try the more i become like them... I always wanna be better than them.(Y) In every way possible.. I really love u.. Im sorry... I wanna marry u n have beautiful n gorgeous babys with u. N things won't drifter away.. Pls i know u dont trust me.. But i want u to believe tht im trying my best in every way to mke u happy n make us be together forever . I LOVE YOU <3"

I know it sounded like a 6 year old writing it to their mother but it's really touching and I was happy that he was always trying for me . I reminded him that he was always BETTER than any of them and the guys I've met so far and that I don't need anything but his presence. But he kept trying to be better and caused something to differ . I hope he knows that I still love him no matter what happens and that I hope he would still love me because I was afraid he would change that too .

Quick Update

Assalamualaikum,

I haven't been posting for awhile now due to me being so darn lazy to write anything at the moment. I'm really tired so I'm going to bed early today . Sorry but I'll make a quick update to you guys. I'm going to meet Heuston tomorrow. Yayers ! hahaha that's all . Okay, Good day people :)

Shhhh Don't tell Heuston about This

SO I was like minding my own business and mesmerizing my boyfriend and I founded out that he smiles when he sleeps . I guess I'm not alone :p pshhh, in your face BIE and i saw busuk :) You look adorable .

Credits to Syukrina Kamilia :) 

SHIT !

Assalamualaikum,

Sorry for the long HIATUS . Everything was like packed . (not really) today I'll be leaving to Kuantan for 2 days and 1 night while my mum and dad goes to my brother's graduation in Terengganu . Since there wouldn't be anyone to do the meals, my grandmother makes the best nasi lemak ever ! I'm just saying . LOL 

  I'm having problem with the people I lost actually . Call me stupid but it's about my ex . It's been a long time since I came up with a topic to talk about him again . I don't like sharing personal feelings on my blog about someone who left . We still do talk to each other but that's when I started the conversation. It's been that way since the moment we were and not together but whatever it is, I still do care for him even though I'm sure as an ex, I should care about my own problems. Well it ain't easy people . He used to be a very important person to me .

  Back to the topic, he's not, himself lately . WELL, NEVER BEEN since 2011 October . Everything wasn't exactly everybody would still enjoy being with . I blame myself and at a part of it, I don't because he chose to change for his own good reasons and i still think that, that is NOT a good reason to change when he's already a good guy . I prefer a change in faith than the whole package . He lost it . He's bazaar . I would love to talk to him and catch up with him, see what life feels without each other but I just think that it won't be a good idea because I still think he doesn't like my presence around . I barely know who he is right now . Since ever i tried to be friends with him but it never worked out so i let it go and talk to him when I need something . The last time i talked to him was last week and that was just a chance to see and talk to him again . I wanted some games and it's true i do need some new games but instead of asking others, i wanted to ask him . All i can do right now is just leave everything to Syed. He knows what to do. He always do .

Tracing Papers

Assalamualaikum,

I felt like writing a letter again . I'm sure we have email, twitter, TECHNOLOGIES to make things LESS complicated . I don't know, maybe letter writing is something i can't take myself away from . It's a thing for me, rather than showing affection in text messages . People should rich this tradition of mails . I'm sure it's the most romantic way to get attention from someone we really like/love . It shows more effort and people might understand us in a deep way of speaking . I often write letters but I never got a reply until 3 months ago . It was the sweetest thing i had ever asked for from someone . So I decided to do it again . Funny how I get so excited that i feel like writing thousands and get nothing in reply . Gosh, i should calm my tits .

Apparently, today my boyfriend got worried about flies in his pocket . I'm sure he doesn't need to be that worried . I'm fine as long as he's here. He doesn't need to buy the ring for me because I'm not into him for his fortune . We're still teenagers, studying for the future that decides our outcome on our jobs . When he comes back, I wish to spend my precious time with him again and show him how much he means to me . Probably because I never had enough of him around me . I never wanted to let him go in the first place but the day ended so quickly that i never had the chance to . My heart boils for his hugs . I miss him :/

Everyday is another day to be strong about . I'll be courageous, to see the next chapter of my story . 

New to Blogging

Just helping a helpless boyfriend who loves rainbows and colors and mixtures hahahah 

Please follow somebody2someone.blogspot.com

Follow me too if could :) 

I can't afford That

Assalamualaikum,

Yesterday I had a really really terrible fight with my boyfriend and on the same day, I had a memorable day to celebrate Afina's birthday but it was filled with tons of will to go through this day and I don't know why, I knew that things were about to end .

On Afina's Birthday @ Sunway

  When we arrived at the Movie Ticket Counter, we decided to watch SkyFall since that's the only movie we had time to watch. Then we ate at Chicken Rice Shop since we were hungry and apparently, Aina ordered this large bowl of Nata De Coco . We facepalmed ourselves when it arrived and she had to eat a lot LOT on that day because she booked a lot of dishes for her to eat but couldn't finish her dessert so we all ate some to at least not waste food . Funny how she learned a lesson on that day but it's good that she did . Like my mum always say "Jangan jadi tamak. Makan ikut badan" . Before the movie, we almost lost the movie ticket.... Okay I did . I mean like come on, I was holding foods, ordering and taking picture . I know, why should I take pictures on an ordering counter ? Well...I don't know, I feel like it ! We entered IMAX and then this massive huge screen appear and it was bigger than the usual. *Uhh duuuuuh, it's IMAX* I would rate SkyFall a 8/10 James Bond ;)

The Conflict

  I finally told Heuston the secret I've been keeping from him. I thought I'll lose him right then but after 1 hour, he proposed to me in this formal wear with a money ring inside his earphones container and a heart on top of  it with my name tag pasted under it . I cried actually . I mean he'll stay after all of what I've done . But it wasn't clear since he thought i might do things he'll hate with him but he has to know, I would never betray him. Furthermore, I finally knew his secret in August. A fight that he almost lost me . He actually did cheat on me . It wasn't funny at all . I wished i could laugh but i didn't and instead, it gave me a shock . To had kissed someone when you know you thought love you like you do with someone else ? It was heartbreaking but I forgive him . Probably because i knew he's not that kind of guy anymore . I hope . but after awhile, he didn't reply my questions on the phone (he was asleep) and I was so sad and scared. I thought he was about to leave me as his whatsapp was on and off but he didn't reply my text . I cried like crazy . I even called Adam Malik for this . He was pissed actually . He didn't know Heuston was the kind of guy to cheat on someone . He was also pissed when Heuston took so seriously on my past when he should be sorry for cheating on me in the present . I told him to talk to Heuston because i was afraid he wouldn't talk to me . And then Arif called, he build my faith up again even when he's in a mess too . I couldn't help him since I couldn't call him for long . My bills would rise and my mum would kill me . In the morning that is today, around 6 am , he told me that he was sleeping and the off and on thingy on his phone was not him . Whatever it is, we finally made up and we turned in to each other . We promised no secrets or lies . We didn't want yesterday to happen again and we would live on and move on and not look back to our past .

It didn't end though . Maybe because love never left and a fight never last .

Causing Problems

Assalamualaikum,

Apparently, yesterday I didn't go to school and I called my boyfriend since he's going to have an operation on his leg soon in the morning . He called me around 8.30 am to tell me that he's going into the ward room already . I fell asleep after that and i remembered that the alarm was on but i don't remember if i was so sleepy that i turned it off . I mean i should be the one to call him but I didn't and he did . I knew he was crying during the operation so i let him off to rest since he wanted a rest but around 12++ we kinda had a conflict due to misunderstandings and attitude . I knew I was being too harsh on a sick person so I said sorry to, you know, not make it worse ? I really care for him so I had to turn my sensitive down . Sometimes I just wished he realize that he's changing bit by bit . I couldn't describe it but i felt different now and then being around him . I'm not sure ... But it's probably a fear I've been having . Maybe the reason why i cry at night .

Sorry but I sense nature's aura isn't that very nice . If it was to be, I hope things will go back to normal . Insyaallah .

  

  Oh and he's auntie brought back his/my busuk back to him . Yes, couldn't believe that he would forget the busuk but whatever it is, he looks sweet in here . and that metal there is the piece that was inside his left leg for all this while and he finally removed it since his leg is getting better . I'm glad everything is fine though . I mean, he can hardly take care of himself and he tells me I don't ? Phft, boys :) i love you truly .

To Love and Be love, 3rd November 2012

  

As I was getting ready for the date, we had a last minute change of places. From Subang Parade to Sunway because of the "There's no time" and all . Whatever it is, through the crowd of people in Sunway's Movie Counter, I found Heuston . He wanted to change movies but already bought the Sinister tickets and so I gave it my brother while they queue for Silent Hill, so apparently, our show was at 3.30pm so my brother and his girlfriend went in first . Me and Heuston was spending our time getting Afina a Birthday gift . We both picked it out for her and yes, mostly, he chose the items and I agreed on it . Guess Mummy and Daddy bought you a present in a thought of you ;) After that, we spent our time together and I can't thank him enough for going around carrying my things and paying 3/4 of the things I need . I'm so grateful and somehow I felt that I'm using him . I did deny him to not pay all of the things and that it was my turn to pay but he rejected it and told me "Let you be the first girl I ever belanja on a date, please?" and I was like screaming inside because he was being too sweet to me . Yes, I have a soft spot for sweet words but he made faces . I can't even say no. But when we were buying our popcorns and stuff, we were fighting over, "LET ME PAY" at the counter . (I won, so I pay. lol finally, something to pay for)

Before that, I was wearing my leopard print crop top, it was so airy and it kept falling to the side of my shoulder and I was like adjusting it for the whole day. easy said, I looked sexy and Heuston was like, adjusting my clothes so no one could see my skin . I felt so secure somehow, maybe because no one had ever done that. He hid everything that needed to be hid and then, he bought me a flowery pin to cover the back of my top and it was pretty how he pinned it up . I kissed his cheeks on the spot when he done pinning it . He smiled and just grab my hands out of the shop .

Continuing to the movies, in the cinema, he poured popcorns on my lap accidently and we also regretted watching movies at sunway . It was blocked by a stupid arm rest thing that we couldn't cuddle . I was like asdfghjkl and when we walked out the cinema, my back bottom had popcorns all over and inside the toilet, i was plucking the popcorns saying "This is embarassing" Hahahaha. ALSO ! When we were all cuddly, his phone had this "azan" ringtone when he recieved a message and people behind were laughing, we were laughing and The people behind was like "Phone siapa tu?" and I was like ROFL. oh and when we had to go back, he carried me to my car . I guess, my car was a white horse and he's the prince . I think I already have a story to tell my kids in the future and well, my kids would be like how romantic is daddy because on that date, Heuston wanted to browse around baby clothes but I didn't want to because people would think I'm pregnant and I wouldn't want that to happen because I'm not even married but whatever it is, I looked at him with a smile . I couldn't help it, it was the sweetest thing .

I'm going to miss him and i hope the memories we made would last to the next time we meet .

Oh and I LOVE HIM !!!!!!! *screams to the crowd* :)

To love and be love, 2nd November 2012

Assalamualaikum,

Yesterday was an unexpected invite for a date together with Heuston . We did a couple of things I wished I could have done it with my previous boyfriends but could never but he gave me everything even though it was unexpected .

2nd November

  We had it all planned the day before for a catch up thing before Saturday, that would be the actual date together. Double date actually but Amira and Sakthi couldn't come and they would be replace by my brother and his girlfriend . It's supposed to be a thing we're supposed to do on that date so we couldn't possibly cancel it and plus, my brother wanted to spend time with his girlfriend . I knew both of them would love to run away from their everyday routine .

Back to the topic, My heart was beating like crazy in school and I was like "Why am I even here in school? Shouldn't I be at home, talking to my boyfriend about how we would say hello?" and I was having butterflies all over . I talked to Syed, Amira, Haikal and Afina about how i should react when i see him and they gave me advices like Take a lot of pictures, Don't complain and all sort . It's funny how i never actually follow all of them . Hahaha except the taking pictures though ;) After school, Amira said goodluck and all and my heart was like jumping all around . After 5 months and he's back . I feel so alive that time even when I got my results that made me have a foul mood but things change when i thought about him . He was whatsapping me like "I'm nervous." "My heart is going dup dap dup dap" It's exciting . When i was about to head out, it was raining and on the drive to his place, the nearer it gets to his house, it rained heavily like fuuuuuuuu... I whatsapped him that I'm going to reached to his house in a few and he was all "Oh my god" faced and telling me he's nervous .

At his place, I was searching for him outside, it was rainy so my windows were all blurry and I had to call him right away . He was like "Look up" and i searched for a guy with a pink shirt since we were wearing clothes according to the color and today was pink day and well, I saw him but I denied that, that was him due to my asdfghjkl feelings . Kinda like a roller coaster going down a steep rail . Gosh ! On his way making it to my car, his grandfather walked him to the car with an umbrella and he was walking like a groom and i told my brother "macam nak kahwin je" and laughed. I then open the car door to let him in . It was awkward and the whole time, he was trying to make me look at him . I said no and no all the way . He then asked for my hands and i permission him to since I had always wished to touch his hands . It was soft and hard at the same time . There were scratches all over his fingers but I didn't mind how it look and feel like, I was finally holding his hands . It was real . He was whispering to me words through my ear, it was ticklish and also deafen since the raindrops were a sound wrecker . We took a picture though . Our first picture together :) I didn't look as what as I expected though . As always, weird but since it was US together, I didn't mind how and saved it to my phone to remind me our day together and for the first time, I felt safe .

We had our first kiss together at Subway, Carrefour, USJ . It was embarrassing since he was begging for it since we were in the car so i gave him a quick kiss when nobody was looking. Because of that, I didn't have the heart to eat because I was too happy . When we were on our way to Subang Avenue, he requested for a hand to hand walk but I keep saying "No, people are looking. There's too many people." and blushed . But when there was barely, I reached to his hands and embraced the moments we could . We also had moments on the elevator since I didn't want to lose my opportunity of having me in his arms in the lift because it's a shortcut out of it . I mean why would I escape ? It's my only chance . His hugs was so, undefinable . Inside the wheels, he insisted on putting a sock on my foot and I denied again xD I guess I wasn't used to this romantic stuff but I agreed on him helping me put my roller blades on since I was NEVER good at it even though I wore it several of times. Usually I would ask for help but this time, I didn't need to because he knew I didn't know how to . He had troubles of adjusting the ties at first but he successful put my foot inside the roller blades . We held hands when we skated . It was like a dream when he said "Don't let go" . Before this, I never had a time to hold my boyfriend's hand when I skated since he knew how good I am in skating . Even when I asked for his hands, we would hold for a several of seconds and he'll let me go . But Heuston, he was everything i could have ever ask for . When I wanted to go up the up and down platforms, he said "Let me hold your hand when you go up" at first i fell down since my speed was slow and then we tried the second time and i failed again but this time, he fell with me . We laughed and all and after that, we continued skating together . Behind the thick walls where nobody could see, we slow danced with roller blades and he knelt down on his knee and proposed to me again and hugged it out .

Our 4th monthsary together was amazing that i can't even.... I love him so much . Thank you bie .

When we were out from the wheels, after  the second escalator , he carried me to his arms and said "I had always wanted to carry my girlfriend like this" but my clothes were going up up and up so I was like "Yes, with my back showing" then he let me down and we hugged each other . He sent me back to Carrefour and waited for my brother to arrive but his grandmother was already waiting for him so I let him go first and he made sure I was safe before he left . He called me and said "Stay inside Subway" hahaha, it was cute of him and finally, I found a boyfriend who knew what I needed, a love that I wish to have for a long time and love a guy the way I wish to give my love to .

There's nothing to Stop

Assalamualaikum,

2 more days till the date :)

He's coming down tomorrow early in the morning . My heart is all thump but hopefully everything works out the way it's meant to be . He wanted us to wear pink and I hope I don't look weird because I just think that I'm weird . Gosh, I'm nervous at the same time . What if I look horrible ? what if I'm too shy to even speak ? Everything will be awkward . I worry too much . Insyaallah we'll make it through the day because this could be our only chance .

People and Fire

They told me I should be strong .

Risk my present for the future, to lead a sad life to a happy one.

To know that I was breathing through pain just so i could meet my walks, is harder than I thought. I'm afraid of many stuff . If my scars were to bleed, I would already be wrapped by bandages . No one knows how it is to be me but claims to know it all and judge as The non powerful jury but even though i shouldn't mind whatever that has been brought up, It was offensive enough to have hurt someone who didn't know anything at all . What has done has been done but no one would believe in the person itself but rumors that spreads like a burning fire . It might dwell at some point but there will be a point when no water is presence to perish the flames. I am that object and I'm burned . There wasn't any hero to save at all . I admit I could be what rumors has been talking about but I'm not any of those branches . I don't make things become a two thing or rumors that makes it three . I don't understand what satisfies the public . The cries, the pain or the smiles ? What happen or what we are isn't the problem and public makes it an accusation of the influence of bad when there wasn't any bad traits about it . What they didn't know is that they are the bad influence, the influence of the fire burning . We aren't the one making the flames, they are and people just don't understand that .

Example : Larry has a Ferrari . Ember told her friends that he stole it and her friends told their friends that it's  from a rich family but what they didn't know is that Larry owns the Ferrari and he's the rich kid .

Do I make a point here? I hope i do . I'm not trying to offend any of you people who read this but you who are offended could be the reason why some of the victims cry at night . Instead of making sins, it's better if you leave the judging to the Al-Mighty . So please, if you're unsatisfied with somebody, ask them nicely and when we give you the answer, we don't expect rumors or bad mouthing or what shit that comes to mind . I hate people like this and I'm sorry but I'm tired of getting the same treatment from despicable human .

Till then .

Ps. Again, I'm sorry if any of you guys are offended by this but some things are rather be told than to hid in a burrow to make another tragedy happen . It's like learning history but easier, so do yourself a favor and make yourself an admirable person and not a judge . That's not what god told us to do . We aren't here to jail anyone, You won't get any income anyways .

BreathTaking

Assalamualaikum,

I'm Ba-Ba-Back !!!
I miss writing but i keep having empty thoughts on my head even though i kinda think a lot . Most of the time, my schedule would be filled with Heuston . Maybe I spend to much with my boyfriend but it's not easy living apart from him . It's SO not easy . Reasons why I rejected "asrama" . Leave me be, i love good foods where i get to eat home cook food with my family .

Apparently i have 5 more days till the countdown to seeing him again . Yay !!! * claps hand* I'm jumping with joy. It'll be our second time of meeting each other face to face and maybe it'll be more meaningful and that's because it'll be a date and this would be my first date i will ever be in my 16 years of living . Keep smiling ! :D

Recently

Assalamualaikum,

Today's another day to begin with . I wasn't fascinated by it . Though I get to answer my History exam smoothly, I had a TALK with my best friend about things i wasn't so fond about . It was surely important to me and life but i don't like talking about it much . Probably because my life ain't so going that way of life . I don't know, maybe it's just me again .

As always, I miss Heuston . Can't wait for these 2 weeks to end and us to finally be united again . I feel so bless if that was to happen by then . I wouldn't want any plans to interrupt us. Not when I've waited 4 months for him . I didn't think he could be this important .

I'm quite ill right now . My voice is a bit stirred and my throat feels dry . I never liked flu, not when it is the cause to my coughs . I'm dehydrated again because of this . I don't mind getting a fever but no, just not flu . It feels like the whole food I plan to eat is blocked and forbidden . Sadly, I only get to eat bread and less oily stuff . (actually, i never eat oily stuff often) I just hope for good food for dinner today . I would love some favorites tonight .

Due to my sore throat, I'm speaking in a British Accent. I kinda like it . Feels like a British now . It's not like I purposely want to make this kind of voice but I fond this accent in many ways if you're asking . Well then, keep smiling :)

Settled down

Assalamualaikum,

I finally solved the matter with him yesterday . We talked for hours and slept on the phone for our exhaustion of tears . We had a deep heart to heart talk that I didn't actually expect to happen . Probably me being the dramatic one but I was touch . Nobody ever said to me that it was fine of me to get angry because of him and that he deserves to be scolded as long it is about him and no other . I didn't know what to say but feel touch inside . For the first time, I knew I met someone different . No, special to me . REALLY special to me .

He isn't like the guys I met randomly, a person I didn't expect to get along so well . We speak our own minds and I felt love. A love that I could never receive by my previous . I'm happy . Being with you is happy okay? You might not be there for me all the time but you mean well, you didn't purposely mean to hide me in a box and wait for sun day to come . I finally understood you .

I know my ego is really high and for you to actually cool me down, its surprisingly a first . I usually get spaces from my ex's when I told them I need them but you, you said something that means so much to me and that was "I don't ever want to learn to live without you, so talk to me ." Nobody wants me around when I'm mad, NOBODY. How could someone like you even accept me ?

Whatever it is, I knew you were the one I need . YES, need and I would consider you as the first to be prioritized .

Another night

I'm teared up right now . Crying like stupid, I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. I can't walk inside my mum's room to her toilet with this kind of appearance, she'll think i had something going on and i needed help with. Gosh no, I'll be dead . I guess, it's another night to feel alone . I need my lone time . Nobody needs a person like me . No, he doesn't either . I bet if i even exist, there'll be tons on his caller to talk to . I'm just another . Deny that too ? No .

Pathetic

Assalamualaikum,

Apparently, today i found myself to be one pathetic person to have waited for someone who didn't intend to do as what he said just because i said "Go study". Waited for at least an hour to actually get a call from you whom to have come to said would call in about 5 minutes . Usually he would at least give me a text but nothing this time . Busy with Mods ? Can't he ask me? Just because I said I would sleep a bit late for english, He doesn't plan to even bother ? Am i not good enough ? I'm sure he'd say i am but there's no prove to it. What good am i if I can't even help my own boyfriend, study ? Well what can i say, your SMART girl-friend is there to help you and I'm not your OH-SO-SMART one . I'm just getting full of myself. I don't want to play smart nor if i can even do so, I'm just disappointed . I don't know if i could ever feel the same now . To accept myself as someone special, I deny .

Things people Probably wanna know

Assalamualaikum !
Hello dear readers :)

So congrats to the PMR candidates who came to school to serve the exams for flying results for their parents and do enjoy your holiday that started yesterday evening . Apparently, I was very jealous about their freedom . I know I'm not growing young anymore but it's so, FUN to be in their place right now . I wish i could repeat last year's days again . It was a memory worth more than just a memory .

Today's topic is about things people might wanna know about me . Take it as a biodata, applying for a lifetime work in reality .

Name: Sarah Adriana Binti Zainudin
Birthdate: 28 February 1996
Address: Around Taman Bukit Saga, Shah Alam, ss26
Hobby: Being all random
Fav Quote: Show Off your smirks and teeth and keep smiling
Fav Food: Chocolate and seaweeds
Fav Drinks: Yo Fresh, Sirap and Ais Kosong :p
About yourself: I'm the second child in my family . My mum calls me special, my dad calls me the sleeping beauty, my brother's best friend and my sister's company . I have a really painful memory during my childhood days. Had been alone for years until i made it to high school . Life has been a journey .
What Are You : I'm not a typical kind of girl, a bit boyish inside, people see me as a she-male but only 2 people had told me that I'm still a girl inside and cared for me unlike any other .
Ambition: A fashion designer, A model, Singer of my own dreams and A dreamer
Skills: Smiling and laughing
What turns you on: Boys with sexy necklines, perfect body shape, blue eyes and smiles
What do you do for a living: Roam around in the house, I'm not always a free bird
Things you love: Sweet poetry, touching stories, Fond of astronomy, geological facts and cute things


I guess that's it ? Unless people actually plans to ask me any . Just head on my ask.fm :)

Things

Assalamualaikum,

A lot of things had happen this week even though it was only the 5th day . I got sick, fought, smiled, laughed, tumbled, scolded and nothing seems to be right . If I could judge myself, I'm all torn up . Looking at myself like I'm a dead zombie trying to pull a fight towards reality . I don't know , maybe I'm just a bit caught up with everything that nothing seems to put me in a position where i could boost my confidence of I could .

  All i know is that i need to study, a lot . Catch my time to train myself to not fail a test. I'll make myself happy if I do so and for that, My parents could smile along. I might lose my senses but I know when to fight back . I know I'm strong .

And I'm sorry Heuston for being so uptight about things but what you did was never sincere and that concludes you to be wrong here but I don't blame you. it's just that I want you to know that, that it's not right and I don't feel good about this week that things just go sadly sad . I pulled a string to pull my loud voices of explaining a matter . You reminded me of so many things that I'm having troubles controlling it . I'm sorry but I only want you to myself but hey, at least I think that way than not trying to want you at all . If that's wrong, I don't know what to do, I'm no robot, I can't keep holding my feelings back. I'm hurting here . So please, I'm not perfect, I can't be your angel, I can't keep saving my feelings or it'll blew me off a cliff to hate you, hate you because you did things that's hurting me because I never did try to cheat on you by doing things you don't like and want . I won't leave you but just take care of me like how I'm trying to take care of us . We were too busy falling in love that you forgot that I was actually unhappy with things . My smiles could fake so many reasons but with you, I just don't want to .

Because my smiles are only real when it's with you .

Happy Birthday My Prince ~!

I love you so much ! I know we actually fought even on your birthday and maybe that's because I was selfish that i wanted you to myself and that people are interrupting me trying to wish you your birthday when I booked you first so it wasn't fair to me but whatever it is, I'm glad it worked out. I turned down my bad self into a girl who sang you a birthday song with a witch hat . I hope you'll remember this forever and that I remember this too . I never done such thing for someone before but with you, I could do almost anything . Thanks for appearing in my life. Thanks for being there all the time. Thanks for giving up so easily. Thanks for being my present and my future .

Have a lovely day with your family (you have a family, shut up . I'm one of them hahaha :p ) , friends and animals :) Truly wishing you a Happy Birthday of your 16 years of living. Let magic happen and keep smiling ! <3

Sincerely,
Your princess,
Sarahgogo :p

I'm still the dreamer of my own Dreams

I'm practically skyping with Syed right now. Not sure what to do actually so i agreed to skype with my guy best friend. My boyfriend apparently slept after a talk on viber and on oovoo, It's sad I know and it's not like you care but well, It was lonely so I played Gunz and it was awesome, I leveled up and practice my sword skills . It was pretty hard but I manage to do better with keys and clicks . I still need more practice though . I might be a girl gamer but I'm no professional . It's hard, literally. I don't spend my time wasting on games for an hour, it only takes about a few minutes to play for me and I'm done . I should be sleeping right now. I asked Amira to come to my house to help her with her accounts . I mean, my brother and dad are accounts expert, unlike me, I'm still learning and I don't have interest in accounting. I feel like a waste but I don't know, I'm testing my capability. A lot of people asked me to join art class due to my fond of art skills but they aren't close to good arts . Not close at all . Maybe for others it is but not professional artist that hangs paintings on walls. I take arts as hobby now, not a dream. They describe passion and feelings but not my ambitions. 

Gosh, What am I saying ? I feel like kissing my own face for being so uninspired . I always wanted my own clothing line. It'll be incredible .

3rd Monthsary

Happy 3rd month ! :)

another month till we meet and finally, i get to feel you in my arms again .

I miss your breath through my ears when you first held me. The way you look at me thinking of my "innocent" was a non mistake but everything was meant to happen. I can't wait . I don't know but somehow, i felt like we've been through together for years but apparently, this has been only our 4 months of knowing each other . June was a miracle . Knowing you was magic and again, i would never leave you. There's no such thing as no reasons because i always have a reason to come and leave but this time, running away from the things i love is stupid because I would fight for you . We told each other that how badly we fought and how we almost come to leaving, You would tell me to remind each other of the times we had and that would make us realize what everything actually meant to us before everything left .

I told you a bed time story about how we first met this late morning and what i thought about you before all of this happen in our history of life. Usually, you would ask us both to tell us this story when we felt all alone and sad or some shit hahaha. It's amazing how i could actually felt much love from you . I don't know if i deserve this love of yours because I love this feeling, I love you . Everything about you is special to me, no matter how weird and stupid it is.

It's been Special

Assalamualaikum,

WELL, I'm back for more postings!! Hope you enjoy Ze story telling :)

 On Saturday, I had a blast with my friends at Segi for an Observe.Learn.Explore. Camp. Everyone was awesome even though there was certain vains but, i had an enjoyable moment that i could never forget. It's funny how everyone wanted me to do all drawings and paintings and decorations stuff because non of my team mates could . But it was really nice with a new Chinese member in my team who comes to love arts is helping me . We shook hands when we actually won second place for the Halloween Theme . And there's this guy who looks exactly like Lee Chong Wei. He's one of the smartest guy in our group and PLUS, he's in science stream so that's cool . I was also happy that my schoolmate Amira AKA best friend AKA daughter is in my group. I did not expect that to happen but it did so I was thrilled . Kinda like, Fate is on our hands that could never seperate us apart. We almost did everything together . The best part is that my team name was SEGI Gangnam Style and we actually won 3 activities that is the crosswords, the halloween theme  hospitality and overall teamwork .

I guess that's it . Till then~

Feel so alone here

I really miss him, so much i just can't stand not checking up my phone every minute of my life to see if he's on, or not on. God knows how much i want to hear his voice, kissing up my ears every time we call each other up. I know it's only for 2 days but I can't help it, I can't even live not talking to you for an hour. I want you home right now. Singapore is hard to reach. It's further from me, YOU're further than me . I miss you Heuston. Really really miss you . *sobs sobs* This is depressing but i really wish you had tons of fun but i hope I'm still in your mind as what you are in mine . Take care .

Maroon 5 and The cab

Assalamualaikum,

Guess what? I went for my first concert !!!!! WOOOO *claps claps* It was awesome even though it was really exhausting, it was worth every complications :D

I went with Afina. She went and pick me up from my house to Stadium Shah Alam. We waited in line and there was like a few of them when we were since we came in about 3+ pm. We didn't know when the gate was going to open so we did several stuff to keep us alive lol. It wasn't much and then suddenly, more and more people are there and they were moving forward, so i stood up and get in positions . We had to stand so long that i was searching for water. I was dehydrated by the crowds and alhamdulillah, there was a man selling some can drinks, walking pass the lines to promote it. I bought some apparently, i didn't want to die in there when I'm going to scream and shout like  a maniac when I'm in .

We were still standing when we entered the concert since everyone was pushing and squeezing to get to the nearest stage. We were about 1 metre away from it and people keep coming in and just asdfghjkl . Whatever it is, It started at 9pm and The Cab (the opening act) was AWESOME . I didn't know much about their songs but i only know Bad (Afina told me to listen to it before the concert and so i did and apparently, the song was performed hahaha) and La La (A song that Aizi told me to perform for Talent time but failed to do so because i couldn't memorize the lyrics and i only know the song for a day) . After that, we waited in about 40 minutes for Maroon 5. They were rocking the stage that night and Adam was so hot ! I mean literally, i was sweating, he was sweating and everybody just SWEAT. All of the song was a song that i know except 2/3 of them . I was just dancing to it. I thought that they would sing all of the overexposed album song that night but actually, they sang all of his top rating song in my guess since he sang his old songs too. I love that Daylight was his favourite song and that i didn't waste my time the other night, listening to his new album over and over again . I took a couple of pictures for remembrance so I'mma show you how he looks like and how close i was there with him ;)

This is how close i am with the stage !

Adam Levine :)

 I'm sorry that there is none of The Cab's pictures, was actually enjoying the concert so i didn't bring out my phone . The lead singer is freaking cute so yeah, i kind got lost in the eyes :p That 7 hours of standing was all worth the pain . I wish i could turn back time and replay everything .

It's like OCEANS

Assalamualaikum,

Something rather twisted happened.

Apparently, I got my overseas chocolate by Adzim from Labuan today . I wonder if he still remembers my crave for those chocolates since it was my utmost favourite and i would ask him to bring back some whenever he got back from Labuan . Well that was when we were actually attached but now, no longer. Shared a big bar of it with Amira and Haikal since he couldn't buy each one, ONE. I mean i totally understand. I do wish that bar was all mine but my mum told me to share things with people and that it's not good to be greedy so, alhamdulillah, i did and with an open heart, i shared . He kept saying that my boyfriend was funny just because he asked him for an advice . lol

The sad part of a happy day was that my boyfriend went from the happy mode to a sad one. I couldn't possibly let it happen that i budge him to tell me and sadly, it was because of me. Because he couldn't be any of the first in my life and that my ex's are revolving around me whenever i do whatever . I felt really guilty that i was going to cry myself in school but i held back and talked to him. He told me before that he would want to be the last and i just felt a sudden shock when he started saying that he would never be the first and get down in the dumps . I questioned myself of why he started saying like he was never good enough when i said it's a normal thing for me to cry and get depressed at times . I know I'm so emotional in things that saddens me but that's not the problem, he's amazing, how bad he is at things, he still is and i love him to every bit. Is that not enough to explain ? To trust me ? Have i ever lied ? I don't understand how could such things bother him but somehow, i understand what pain he's going through. I would feel insecure myself. If i was right beside him, i would caress his cheeks and hug him, let all of my love flow in his ears with the words i've been dying to say right at it and show him what it means to be needed because i need him, always . That moment felt like I was right about to lose him, like he was trying to make me run but didn't know how to say it, like a child running from a scream, that i needed to save him and catch him but wouldn't make it . I was afraid in fact . I couldn't let someone i care so much slip away from my fingers again . I know he's scared, he had always been . Right now, i couldn't do anything . I'm sorry .

Life was never fair so i decided to put my faith in Allah to at least make a moment which will last forever and that i pray for one day, we will journey through with alhamdulillah . Amin .

Oovoo Time Part 3

This was today's conversation and we were uniting our Bolster on Oovoo since i finally got the things that i should be with since 4 days ago :)

Keep smiling !

Oovoo Time part 2

It was an emotional night last night . we were both explaining things, and we both ended up feeling mood less but we made up. It wasn't a fight, we just had a heart to heart talk . I think, well that's base on my thoughts .

Sorry for looking so weird, because this was taken when we were having a conversation. The second pic was when he finded out i was taking a picture .

Got it !

Assalamualaikum,

I finally got my package ! I'm so happy !

His letter, his busuk, his picture, his name tag, his proposal necklace and his jersey . I'm in love <3

Oovoo Time Part 1

I'm currently on a video call with Heuston right now and i took some pictures with him while I'm holding my DSLR . Lol , Picture time i guess :)

Oh and this is for me to keep . I'm in love with this one <3 

|

V

Neckline

Somehow i admire my neckline . I like boys with em better of course. One of my favorite things i want from a boy, le sexy neckline . It makes me go higher than the empire states. Not sure why but it's nice to see a shape from the neck. Don't you think so too ? hmm :)

Package Pushed over

Sadly... i got the paper that has been posted on my mailbox saying that it reached here in the morning.. I knew it was impossible for me to have it by today. All i could say is that i was let down with . I shouldn't have expected it so highly. I was so depressed that i sounded stupid on the phone with him. He got the package already so i shouldn't let him hear me cry because i didn't . My dad doesn't even want to take the package yet . He only wants to take it when he's free and it'll be on Saturday, my bet.

I'm not in the mood for any fun . I'm just going to lie around in my house and do nothing .

Awaiting Package

Assalamualaikum,

So it seems that i'll be getting my package from him very soon. Hopefully it arrives at the right address or i'll seriously cry myself a river for it. He told me it'll reach in approximately 4 pm so whatever it is, I'm going to stay downstairs and wait for the house bell to ring. I just hope the postman would be here in the afternoon. It's sad if it were to be in the morning and that no one is home to receive it .  Gosh, i'm so excited and worried at the same time. Sigh... patience .

The package

It was a last minute plan that I told my brother that I wanted to send my busuk pillow, my jersey and my letter to Johor since I made a plan with Heuston to exchange our bolster . I didn't notice that my brother agreed with it that I had to run upstairs to my room after I bought all my stationaries at Taipan . Everything was in a rush. I raced downstairs with a paper and a red envelope that I asked him to picked. My hands was tired from the speed writing that I just SIMPLY write whatever I felt at that moment in it . I felt so messed up and after it was done, I quickly ran up again, took all the things that I wanted to send and ran down outside to the car . I ran all over Giant to search for the wrapper especially made to send packages and so on . Got a wasted box that has no good holes and I'm hoping, nothing is falling out .

We asked someone to wrap it for us and that i wasted minutes for it to get it done . I had to pick up my sister and my dad at that time and well, I just screwed everything and went to the post office . My brother told me where to write and I just write it . It was funny how I accidentally put my initials on the "penerima" signature . I knew I was at the wrong sign and that I scolded my brother for my carelessness . Everything was to be my first time . I haven't waste so much money for someone before and he was to be the first . It's more like a gift and that those waste was worth it... If it sends though. I had to pay RM 47.70 for the package since it was big even though I only have 3 items and not that heavy things . Sadly, and alhamdulillah I saved my money for this . I just hope it reaches to the destination I wanted to send . I'm just afraid of it will fall out due to the hole if someone poked it or whatsoever . Today will be the first night without my busuk pillow and I hope, some other bolsters would keep me company and that my package arrives safely. I'll miss you :(

September

Assalamualaikum,

Gosh, it's been awhile since I last blog and right now I'm blogging because my boyfriend asked me to so I'm kinda uninspired to write right now . I'll just talk about the month then .

So far, September hasn't been a bad month for me, YET . I'm not sure because maybe things might go haywired soon . I don't believe that happiness will hold on to someone for long since sadness would come and go . I would probably think that I would overcome these situations with further will to go forward .

Hope is there if I am to believe that I could do things even without a hand in need . I guess that's it . Till then :)

I'm done

tore my letter, deleted you name from my bio,

i was a fool to think you changed .... Bye .

Heuston Aiman

So I haven't showed my boyfriend's picture yet on my blog and some would be wondering how he looks like and so here it is . He's the guy in the middle with his collared stripped shirt :) sorry Bie but I stole it on your whatsapp picture :p and I just think that I should show them how adorable you are .

Hello there stranger, I don't like you

Assalamualaikum,

Few days ago i made an account on ask.fm and apparently i've been getting a lot of hate message and it sounded like the same person. THAT person called me ugly and bitch, told me she is scandal-ing with my current boyfriend and called me bodo as in without a H, bodoh. I mean, whatever, say it all you want but what did i do to make your life miserable ? Want to know something even funnier? She's my ex's girlfriend. I don't blame him nor am i blaming anyone but she needs to chill down. Don't put hatred on things you can't handle . You called him bodo and bitch, oh god, is that how you're going to treat your boyfriend. You're just a junior forgot sake and do show some respect. just because you can't handle a fight, you don't need to curse saying all those bullshit just to say i love you to him . I pitied him for getting a girl like you who CURSE a lot like it's nobody's business . For all i know, i don't see him any better but he's getting worse by the day . I don't know what his purpose but he seemed so stressed up and please stop it, he needs to study . Don't you dare ruin his life . Let him stay home if he wanna, you have no rights to demand anything .

So dear junior, if you're really that matured enough to handle relationship, stop cursing your own boyfriend . I don't like how you treat him, how you express your love because you can't even show it right . On behalf of his feelings, i don't think he can put up with your shits anymore and that's why you're here, in this position, in fights .

Oh and stop putting me inside your mess, I don't plan to exist in your love life nor your world or anything that has to involve with you . Get a life and solve your own problem and stop throwing hatreds !

Love Letters

I don't normally write love letters to someone but when i do, i put all my heart into it. I'm thinking about him even at this kind of time . Lol, yay ! and I wanna try mailing it. I haven't tried the old school thing before, not by via post mail so this would be the first. Usually my transportation would be my own hands and the meeting point would be in school or somewhere to meet up. Funny how you could do so many things for someone you really love. Like he would probably say "Things you do for your love ones" True true :) but sadly, i don't have his address code, would ask him when it's morning or at the right time .

I'm excited for something new so yeah, keep smiling ! ^^

Rigggght and it's night

Assalamualaikum,

Greetings. It's night and uhh, late ? Of course . I'm having migraine nowadays and I'm not sure why, that's really bad since I'm having troubles on my head due to excessive thoughts . Need to release more and not keep things to myself much . I would hurt myself later . Anyways, I just met and talked to Heuston's mother 2 days ago and uhm, family apparently . It was kinda awkward since I'm not use to these kind of things, especially meeting someone through technology . His mother looks really nice and she's very pretty . I swear . Even though the camera quality was quite low, I could imagine how she looks like in some ways that I could picture her . Would really love to see her someday, in real life . Come to think of it, I was SO nervous when it comes to talking, I laughed and smile the whole time, I was practically shaking but I managed to overcome the first meet . It was unimaginable but quite satisfying.

Yesterday night, that is like 11.40pm or somewhere around there, my boyfriend talked about his ex . No no, it wasn't wrong since he was being nice but he told me, she was more than a best friend or a sister . What's that supposed to mean ? Not sure . She always sound amazing and that he could talk about her for minutes and hours if I was his best friend . I could bet you that . Not to mention, nothing that I could ever compete of . I'm jealous . Obliviously. Maybe I'm just a doll in a corner looking at some piece of fantasy that I could never encounter . Their friendship is stronger than my relationship with him. He would scold me if i say this but what if it's true ? That I'm never gonna make magic . I feel like I'm someone who appeared for a moment . I have a feeling of so much things that I always, I mean ALWAYS remind myself "Stop and just trust him" but I couldn't, not when it's all about her . She's an inspiration, last year in tuition and till now, she was always so glowy and that smile was made of real 3D feelings even though if it was just a fake smile. it's hard to believe that my boyfriend was her ex . Seriously, honestly and truthfully, every time I look at her face on instagram, my head keeps saying "she's his everything" and it hurts . I would fight that thought just so I could act normal again with him . Plus she's a friend of mine. I like her too :/ and so I laughed like it was nothing when her named was spoken from his mouth but deep inside, I felt like a boulder of two souls . Just like him and his sister .

Past aren't meant to be brought up in the present but what the heart wants is what the heart wants to feel again . She understand things that I couldn't . Maybe because I wasn't brought up in a family of separate love . Thus, I'm not trying to destroy anything nor I intend to do so even when they aren't close or its me hating . I would never do such cruel things . I'll let them be, whatever he wants to tell me I hear, even with a bit of a broken heart, I rather hear than not to hear at all . No secrets remember ? Because his heart is telling me a story and I'm the child who would remember .

I know you'll be reading this . You'll probably want to stop saying her name or not talk about your ex anymore . You promised me you wouldn't but you still do and now, I'm just trying to stone myself from feeling every shitness I'm having . I don't use vulgars but what rough things that comes to me become shits and it's been hurting for long . Don't say you're not a good boyfriend, i keep hearing that from every guy i've met and they still give me painful things to remember but you didn't, it's just talks that I'm getting . If you know what you did wrong, why aren't you doing anything to fix it ? You told me to teach you. I've taught three person now and you're the third and i hope it's much much better than anything that i had hoped for from a person and that you'd stay, stay forever. That was our dream remember? Our goal . To never leave, to be together till the end of our time and to be totally true to ourselves . I love being with you, you're the first person I'm trying to do things right again, Be someone better with and happy .

I hope you'll understand and i hope we could work things out by not trying to talk about this, please? I don't like you talking about my problems when i'm not talking about it at all . If i'm happy, be happy with me and not bring negative things up in a happy relationship .

Saturday's Thoughts

Assalamualaikum,

Crazy isn't it, how holiday is almost over ? Sad case is that i ain't looking forward for school. I still prefer the boredness at home than the laziness of schooling .

  So, I finally beat the record of 6 hours conversation with Mr. Heuston Aiman by 40 mins. Not an hour sadly because i got so sleepy that i happen to want to sleep quickly but no matter, I finally had a heart to heart talk with him. It's stupid of me to actually plan to end it because of a person I felt guilty with. I knew how much we needed each other that i finally realized that i was being stupid . He stopped me from saying things i was about to say and told me "You're my ONLY princess, the girl i want to marry someday. Don't say that, don't... I love you. You're the only one i want to be with." He's capable of saying things that would make me melt and that, that was his heart talking .

  I told him that i haven't trust him yet and he knew how i wasn't fully fixed and that he wasn't shaking me to believe him but he hoped that i would. Right now, I'm trying my best to trust him and well, we pinkied in every single thing ever since. Possibly and it's cute that way . I can't rely on him too much and i shouldn't be hard on myself too. He's having fun at a concert now i guess. I'm not sure but it's better than sitting at home doing priceless things . Lol, we OOVOO-ed before he went out. He asked me if he looks nicely clothed and actually, he does. I mean why not? He looks good in anything . With his shiny teeth, his eyes when he smiles and Oh so gonna be Zac Efron body  :) I hope he's doing good, I wouldn't want to bother him so i didn't give him a text on what's app even though I miss him teribbly. What to do when you live miles apart from love ones right? hahahaha well,

Till then

I'll try

Assalamualaikum,

Today wasn't much to talk about. I went out to sunway for not much of shopping, Just bought a couple of socks for my brother and had dinner somewhere in Klang . I prefer the terms to be called "nothing" but I LOVE yesterday's activity . I got to Skype with my prince . The most unimaginable part is that, he had the most adorable look on his face when he got furious . I'm not sure how it's called but I mean literally, I fell for him over again . And talk about today, he said the sweetest thing that nobody ever said to me for like... Ever ? I'm not quite sure how he said it but he said he needed me and for the first time, I felt needed for my boyfriend . Usually I'll be the one needing them and they usually felt me like a nuisance . Maybe not but the way they treated me tells a whole lot of a story . Hence, I told him I wanted to mesmerize the moment when he told me that . I was going all teary inside . Didn't cry tears of joy though since he hated me crying for him .

He's been through a lot for the past few years and I hope someday, I could be there for him, make sure he wouldn't feel so alone when he needed someone . I want to be all he could ever needed, insyaallah such goal could be fulfilled with a prayer and effort i'm building up for him . That's what I'm trying to do . I might not say it but know that my heart is doing everything it can to mend itself into place for it to mend another's heart into another . I'll stand strong . I'll try .

Sarawak

Assalamualaikum,

Just got back home from Sarawak 7 hours ago. It was tiring and there wasn't anything much there except the fact that i learn some geographical facts about the cultures around the South Malaysia. It was magnificent that there was dance performance by each cultures. I didn't expect it to be so daring but further all those weird ways of dancing, they made acrobatics stunts that mindblowned my thoughts. They look so cool. Talk about my hotel room, it's like i have my own apartment, we had a mini kitchen, 2 bedrooms and 2 toilets with dining table and tv room. Gah, I felt like having that place as my own . The amazing thing about the hotel room was that, there was fireflies roaming around our room window. They were pretty but the fact that they were blinking made me realize how the world is killing it with lights. Pity them though

Actually, I plan to upload the video of the dancing thing in my blog post but I haven't editted it yet so maybe soon ? Not sure if i would since i don't have much time and I AM kind of lazy. sorry for that.

We'll see how it turn up then, cheerios :)

Sea drifts

It's not easy pretending to be fine . How hard it is to admit that I don't because I know somehow, you're going to ask me questions I don't want to answer . I've been hiding myself in the corner, taking the burden from my chest to be able to handle every heartache you gave me because you don't know that you are doing so . I thought a sorry was okay . I don't know why but it seems like I've come to a point that there'll be more sorry's to forgive and that you know somehow you're going to keep doing things accidentally and let me forgive you again. And again. And again. And again. I could say its okay a thousand times but my heart is falling apart again due to insecurities and false hopes . I knew that I couldn't do much to change that and no matter how hard you try, you're around those girls, saying sweet things that I barely hear myself from you . I didn't expect it to be easy but I trusted you . I know you don't like them but I'm a girl, I don't understand how a boy could say such words to a girl when they already have someone . The way you speak like you're flirting, what more could you do to make me feel so insecure ? I'm not fine . Totally not .

I don't want to pick up the calls . I don't want to hear another sorry, what's wrong and explanations.... I just want a normal, sweet and sincere relationship when you don't go around saying "sayang" "beautiful" to someone else that's not even your girlfriend . Maybe it's okay for you because you're used to calling them that but for me, it's big, TOO BIG that it hurts to hear it that it's for someone else . I know I'm your princess but don't you think it's still in terms of flirting ?

That night when you told me I should go clean my eyes and look at boys like its no big deal because you want me to have fun in Kuching, that night really bugged me to BITS . What do you think of me looking at boys is fun ? I'm not that easily drowned in boys . I don't see any attraction when I already have you . You don't get it. I'm not like you. You told me that you look at girls in tuition and maybe somewhere else but did I ever go around and describe such bodies ? No . Only celebrities . It hurt me that you could say that when you know I'm only falling head over heels for you . I don't take chances to go around kissing someone's butts when you're not looking okay ? I love you but now, I don't know, I'm sad... Really sad about what's going on right now ...

I'm going to cross oceans today morning after solat raya. I hope that you won't think of me, that way... It'll be easier for you to live your life the way you wanted to. I won't be there to be upset . I won't know anyways . You won't have to tell me . Plus, you need your friends more than me . That's how it should be ... Not me .

You know what's sad ?

I don't feel the love anymore ...

Sweeter than This & Nurul Aina Aidee

Assalamualaikum,

Woke up late today, as usual. Wished my DEAREST best friend, Nurul Aina Aidee a beautiful birthday. She's been a really sweet friend, sticking through all those rough times in life, She's probably the reason why I'm so patient throughout the whole way. Whenever I started cursing, she'll say something to make me realize that it isn't a good thing to swear and that it'll only make sins . Yeah, I've been a nice a girl because of her and reasons why i was always sticking to originality. I love her, MY SAYANG :) <3 muah muah, stay happy eventhough you're practically confuse with things right now . All i know is how much you love spending your day with your family so, i wish you a lovely raya and that you could escape all boundaries with peace . Happy birthday again !

Anyways, Yesterday me and Heuston :) had a really sweet time together on skype. No matter how virtual his look is online, he always have that perfect smile he'll give me when I smile. It's adorable, and I can't wait to see him soon. I'm waiting for the night when i can talk to him, probably after 9 I guess or so. His staying with his auntie for the meantime while waiting for his mother to come to Johor. I have a really curious mind of how his mother looks like. The way he describes it, makes it sound so wonderful that I eagerly wanting to meet her secretly . Hahaha Gah !

Till then .

Lonesome

Assalamualaikum,

Seems like today i didn't get to spend my day with him, checked my phone every minute thinking he would stop by to send me some words, but i know i shouldn't expect anything. I keep doing it. We did talk but it wasn't as long as i wanted it to be. He's busy having fun with his friends, i shouldn't get him too caught up with me all the time but it's been pretty lonely today . I should find someone to fill me in so it won't be lonesome but i don't know whom to spend my time with. I do have tons of friends but some things can't be change when they are busy running their own lives so i just roam the internet like a lifeless person. Felt like the old single me who had no one. I kinda did give myself a laugh for that. It's been a month and 2 weeks that i started having someone. How nostalgic but I'm happy, totally am . I swear . It's better than being alone, staying unhappy and stuck in yesterday's memory. He made changes that i needed .

Well, I hope he had a great day .

Sigh... I miss you ..

Uhh Hi !

Assalamualaikum,

I missed school today, I wasn't feeling that well anyways so I do have a good reason to take my day off from all the drama . Woke up at 9.05 am in the morning, thinking that i had slept for quite a long while when it was just a few hours after sahur . Started my day with twitter and a quick morning tweet to my prince. He usually is an early bird even though he sleeps like a bear but apparently, I woke up earlier than him today. We did have a small problem just now but it was fine after that. I couldn't possibly ignore him, not when he's all i ever think about in a day, everyday. He usually is a guy who knows his way back, No matter how stupid a matter is, even though it may be my fault, he would be the one with the "sorry's" . It's sweet when you think about it, I don't mind a thousand sorry's heard because i know he knows what i want him to know to not do it again and he didn't . I felt companied even though i was alone. He knew how i hated being alone thus he would do anything to talk to me, to make me reply his words and to let me know how much he loves me. I hope i make sense. Lol, #life

Tomorrow supposed to be a plan to iftar with our love ones but sadly, things happen and due to such circumstances, Azhar cancelled the plan. It's quite disappointing since it's almost the end of fasting and I haven't got a chance to iftar with my friends yet. I guess, that's that then. Oh and now I'm discussing with Haikal to iftar with the others, not sure if it'll work out but it'll do .

Ps. I don't actually want to blog today, I'm quite lazy but since my boyfriend ask me to so yeah, umm tadaa ! 

Till then :)

Storm

Having second thoughts is hard, when you fall in love but noticing how they were close to somebody and thinking if you were ever good enough, to understand what they've been through, to understand things that was impossible for us to even understand . I was in a dilemma . Life was never fair. We don't always get what we wanted and instead it explains to the opposite gift and it wasn't always so pleasant. I was jealous of them, of how they used to be so close to him before me, to had ever seen him everyday and unlike me, it was always virtual and for once, I was able to hold him in my arms and that was momentarily. Waiting was never a skill, it was torture but i was yet to given up reality. I noticed how i wasn't the only one missing him, it was the past all over again. I mean think about it, if you ever come back, who would you see first? Your friends or your lover? They say friends were much more important and i was that lover who always got left out in every status. I was practically nothing in the end.

Long distance is nice, you'll love, miss and want each other more but whatever plans you made would probably be jeopardize by friends. LIFE..... It was never easy . You only sacrifice more instead of getting sacrifices from others. I don't care what had gone in his past but i just hope that he realize that I'm a present, maybe the present of his future. It'll be sad if it doesn't workout, I don't even know if I was still in his mind. There could be others much better to think about and I'm just a second deal in a chapter. Love is about trust, and I do trust him but I doubt things that I'm not the only one revolving around him. I was left alone again, sided in the mind of a blank page and I don't even know where to go from here. I was always flowing, flowing to hope that things would grow better somehow . He kept me company at night/morning/day/evening and every second of my life and i just had to give him a ring but I didn't. I always waited for him to start the conversation first, Just to make sure he was thinking about me, just so i could know that i wasn't the only one feeling what he feels but if this goes on, it wouldn't be fair for him, just because he's a guy, he got to the job. I want to make him notice how much i've been thinking about him but I get insecure with what i have even though he already accepted every part of me like a husband. I don't know, I doubt myself i was ever good enough for him, reasons why people leave me for a memory.

I pray to Allah, There'll be away for me to get away from this terrible thoughts that has been running through my mind all day. Amin.

Conclusions

Assalamualaikum,

Raya is just around the corner and everyone is ready for their vacations but this year I'm not celebrating since my grandma is doing her UMRAH for 2 weeks. She just took off at 10+ am this morning and she got another 3 hours to land in Mecca :) and yesterday, I celebrated my Sister's 13th birthday. She didn't actually liked this year's cake since it wasn't as what she wanted even though it's Baskin Robin, THE Baskin Robin . Basically we actually knew what she wanted, an Oreo ice cream cake but there wasn't any and we ended up buying a vanilla ice cream cake with oreo on top on each corners. Sorry but we still wish you every happiness. 

Today, I ended up not talking to Afina for the whole day. I mean, she misunderstood things. I knew how sensitive she is and well, i kinda told her the point of not knowing things for the right reasons but well, she thought that me and Ainin didn't trust her. PLUS, it was Ainin who wanted to talk to me and it got nothing to do with me not wanting to tell her but she envied the thoughts of me knowing things she didn't. I wanted to tell her what but she put me away and I had to become the victim to this whole situation just because i was needed by somebody. All 3 of us are offended in a way but i had to be patient with every possibilities in life. It probably broke me to pieces that my own best friend took this waaaay too serious and I kinda got hurt. Didn't she notice that i was always the back up plan, she didn't always tell me things, she always searched for Ainin and when she is going through hard times and needed a smile, she didn't want me but she wanted her instead. She said she doesn't like me and love Ainin more than me but did i ever leave her? No, and I would never betray someone i care so much. She became a family to me, i didn't complain even though i was hurt by such words. She didn't notice that, No, i don't think so.

So hard i had to put up with her attitude towards me, I still cared for her and if she doesn't understand a thing, i would look at her and ask her "You faham tak?" when she got silent in class trying to solve a question. ALWAYS.

I don't want to argue, no matter how much she change, i still plan to stay. That's what true friends are for right? to be there for each other even when rough things get in our way? Yeah, I'll stay, and i just hope you realize that. No matter how hard it is for me, I'll be here when you need me, like how it should, like how it supposed to be . I'll just smile and I hope you understand that i'm not saying that you're troublesome, like a parent, they will be there for their child no matter how hard they look up to us .

Iftar

Assalamualaikum,

I'm going to have iftar/dinner at Klang Executive Club (KEC) today with a special guest, my grandmother :)

It's been awhile since i last seen her, that was umm..... last Raya ? Woah. But whatever it is, i admire her very much. She's one of the stylish grandmother i've had ever seen. She loves Red lipsticks and the way she wears her hijab amazes me to the max. Like literally, it's nice. She wore a pink jubah with a black hijab and a pink silk along it. Stylish yet religious. Someday, I would like to be her kind. Surely, I'm determined. Insyaallah, It'll happen the way it should be :)

Yesterday's iftar in school was a delight, ate nasi briyani (Not quite sure if it is) with ayam masak merah, Amira's satay, Aina's dadih, sausage karipap and Tepung Pelita (I think that's the name) Went from empty stomach to overload . Prayed with a smile on my face since i had tons of fun with my friends. Even though on that same day, I fought with my boyfriend, we made up with a clear mind. I'm happy .

Your Queen Alia ;)

Hahahaha Hey ! Happy Birthday !! :D

Wish you an ever lasting magical life in LIFE . Oh and hopefully you'll do well in your STPM exam (Is that right ? :O) We may not see each other much but you're never forgotten and I really miss you dearly :( since the end of the show Hunger Games at MBO . I hope you're doing well. and and, I remember that you wanted me to make you a post on my blog and I DID :) How could forget ? You mean a lot me even though we made so little memories together, You're awesome. You're such a Hogwarts friend ;)

May Allah bless you magically, Amin <3

Sincerely,
Sarah Adriana

Leaving Marks

  Sometimes i wish people could see that I'm not always fine. I have my mood, no one is happy forever even when they look like it. Life isn't always about understanding yourself, it's about taking a chances to understand part of others and I'm that person to do it. Reasons why i don't seem to always look fine since learning people's lifestyle is part of growing up and making right decisions. It may be an annoyance but when people advises you, You just got to accept the fact that it's what they've been through and even though it may not got anything to do with you, somehow, you just got to consider the options, life is a journey where you just got to take risk and do things beyond your wild imaginations right ?

I don't get why I felt a weight in my heart like something just wants me to know they're not fine. I cry often due to such emotions, those feelings that you're unsure why you should be .Funny how surprises could put you to a state where you'll smile so fondly but when there's a time you're alone, you know that there's the dark place where I'm right fit into . I tried convincing myself that I'm not alone, when I needed someone, I could just ring a bell on their phone, call them up, tell them how I feel, let them hear my cries at night but nowadays, I just kept it to myself. Being sad isn't the case but feeling so alone is. For years being hated by many and suddenly, I got friends who cares for me, thinks of me and couldn't live without me. It's surprisingly sweet but I was never used to it. Having friends around, I wasn't so sure about giving trust to them.I was failed by tons of humans before, they back stabbed each other like it's a joke and was never sure of how i would feel knowing the pain. All i heard was laughter flooding the classroom doors. That Primary moments when you just felt like forgetting but couldn't . I'm extremely traumatized.

  I remember i made promises with someone, I was sure to keep it, might break a few but replace them with something warm . I was always to let down, I couldn't hold any pain after every heartache. "I won't leave you" was a joke to me since then. Was I even sure that, that particular word means something to them or they just want me to feel good about myself, like i'm some kind of unicorn . I'm not unique, I'm just different. Maybe life just haunts me to sleep, maybe I was never used to reality even when I experienced so much but still felt every breaking moments of life.

I am not a superhero.

"You learn from mistakes."
 I heard it somewhere, maybe somewhere around the net and I made it a word of wisdom so i could go on perfectly and I am, I'm trying to be so but nobody's perfect since there'll be day when the moon loses it's shape and I lose myself. Therefore, I was never close to being fixed, I'm still broken to bits.

Buka Puasa

  Can't wait for tomorrow, to Iftar with my buds :) I've been looking forward for today since form 1 but i ended up getting sick every year . Sadly, i haven't got any luck to be there but tomorrow is the day and I'm all healthy and green. SO relieved. And I'm not sure what to wear. I mean, of course I would wear baju kurung but I'm not sure which one to wear. Heheheh, Let's hope everything will go right tomorrow. Insyaallah .

I also can't wait for the 8 hours conversation with Heuston on skype/viber. If my boy sleeps again, I'll totally would murder him -.- It's been.... um 6/7/8 times he fell asleep during our talks. Am I that boring ? Lol

That's all for today, Keep smiling :)

I shouldn't expect Anything

Assalamualaikum,

Today sucked so bad, hated the exam, hated why the government made such plans for the future when the plans are un-agreeable . Have they ever thought of asking US first? The students who's taking the History paper 3 ? NO, and like HECK they should . I mean we can't even answer history's questions properly and they plan to make another shitty paper? WHAT THE FUUUUUUU......! Okay, so whatever happens, I don't plan to curse much today .

My heart saddened again today, not sure why but i told him, I told him I felt like crying and i know i should have accept the offer of him staying by my side during my worse scenarios but he needed some rest, I don't want to look at my love one sick, tired and see me without a smile on my face. I may have cried like crazy to him before but that was way before we were together and now that we are, I don't want him to look at me frowning for all of a sudden. I told him i needed some space while he get some rest so instead of saying "take care" "I'm here if you need me, just give me a call" or something like that, he just ended the call on skype with a bye. I thought he'd understand but when i think again, I can't expect him to say things i want to hear from him but maybe if he acted like yesterday, said that he would, maybe I wouldn't have to be so sad now. Too vulnerable to not be treated right for once in awhile. Screw me, SCREW MY HEART . I'm just crying myself to sleep now, just another feeling of a time to forget things. Those best times when you wake up and not thinking about anything.... yeah, that feels better .