Rigggght and it's night

Assalamualaikum,

Greetings. It's night and uhh, late ? Of course . I'm having migraine nowadays and I'm not sure why, that's really bad since I'm having troubles on my head due to excessive thoughts . Need to release more and not keep things to myself much . I would hurt myself later . Anyways, I just met and talked to Heuston's mother 2 days ago and uhm, family apparently . It was kinda awkward since I'm not use to these kind of things, especially meeting someone through technology . His mother looks really nice and she's very pretty . I swear . Even though the camera quality was quite low, I could imagine how she looks like in some ways that I could picture her . Would really love to see her someday, in real life . Come to think of it, I was SO nervous when it comes to talking, I laughed and smile the whole time, I was practically shaking but I managed to overcome the first meet . It was unimaginable but quite satisfying.

Yesterday night, that is like 11.40pm or somewhere around there, my boyfriend talked about his ex . No no, it wasn't wrong since he was being nice but he told me, she was more than a best friend or a sister . What's that supposed to mean ? Not sure . She always sound amazing and that he could talk about her for minutes and hours if I was his best friend . I could bet you that . Not to mention, nothing that I could ever compete of . I'm jealous . Obliviously. Maybe I'm just a doll in a corner looking at some piece of fantasy that I could never encounter . Their friendship is stronger than my relationship with him. He would scold me if i say this but what if it's true ? That I'm never gonna make magic . I feel like I'm someone who appeared for a moment . I have a feeling of so much things that I always, I mean ALWAYS remind myself "Stop and just trust him" but I couldn't, not when it's all about her . She's an inspiration, last year in tuition and till now, she was always so glowy and that smile was made of real 3D feelings even though if it was just a fake smile. it's hard to believe that my boyfriend was her ex . Seriously, honestly and truthfully, every time I look at her face on instagram, my head keeps saying "she's his everything" and it hurts . I would fight that thought just so I could act normal again with him . Plus she's a friend of mine. I like her too :/ and so I laughed like it was nothing when her named was spoken from his mouth but deep inside, I felt like a boulder of two souls . Just like him and his sister .

Past aren't meant to be brought up in the present but what the heart wants is what the heart wants to feel again . She understand things that I couldn't . Maybe because I wasn't brought up in a family of separate love . Thus, I'm not trying to destroy anything nor I intend to do so even when they aren't close or its me hating . I would never do such cruel things . I'll let them be, whatever he wants to tell me I hear, even with a bit of a broken heart, I rather hear than not to hear at all . No secrets remember ? Because his heart is telling me a story and I'm the child who would remember .

I know you'll be reading this . You'll probably want to stop saying her name or not talk about your ex anymore . You promised me you wouldn't but you still do and now, I'm just trying to stone myself from feeling every shitness I'm having . I don't use vulgars but what rough things that comes to me become shits and it's been hurting for long . Don't say you're not a good boyfriend, i keep hearing that from every guy i've met and they still give me painful things to remember but you didn't, it's just talks that I'm getting . If you know what you did wrong, why aren't you doing anything to fix it ? You told me to teach you. I've taught three person now and you're the third and i hope it's much much better than anything that i had hoped for from a person and that you'd stay, stay forever. That was our dream remember? Our goal . To never leave, to be together till the end of our time and to be totally true to ourselves . I love being with you, you're the first person I'm trying to do things right again, Be someone better with and happy .

I hope you'll understand and i hope we could work things out by not trying to talk about this, please? I don't like you talking about my problems when i'm not talking about it at all . If i'm happy, be happy with me and not bring negative things up in a happy relationship .