Sea drifts

It's not easy pretending to be fine . How hard it is to admit that I don't because I know somehow, you're going to ask me questions I don't want to answer . I've been hiding myself in the corner, taking the burden from my chest to be able to handle every heartache you gave me because you don't know that you are doing so . I thought a sorry was okay . I don't know why but it seems like I've come to a point that there'll be more sorry's to forgive and that you know somehow you're going to keep doing things accidentally and let me forgive you again. And again. And again. And again. I could say its okay a thousand times but my heart is falling apart again due to insecurities and false hopes . I knew that I couldn't do much to change that and no matter how hard you try, you're around those girls, saying sweet things that I barely hear myself from you . I didn't expect it to be easy but I trusted you . I know you don't like them but I'm a girl, I don't understand how a boy could say such words to a girl when they already have someone . The way you speak like you're flirting, what more could you do to make me feel so insecure ? I'm not fine . Totally not .

I don't want to pick up the calls . I don't want to hear another sorry, what's wrong and explanations.... I just want a normal, sweet and sincere relationship when you don't go around saying "sayang" "beautiful" to someone else that's not even your girlfriend . Maybe it's okay for you because you're used to calling them that but for me, it's big, TOO BIG that it hurts to hear it that it's for someone else . I know I'm your princess but don't you think it's still in terms of flirting ?

That night when you told me I should go clean my eyes and look at boys like its no big deal because you want me to have fun in Kuching, that night really bugged me to BITS . What do you think of me looking at boys is fun ? I'm not that easily drowned in boys . I don't see any attraction when I already have you . You don't get it. I'm not like you. You told me that you look at girls in tuition and maybe somewhere else but did I ever go around and describe such bodies ? No . Only celebrities . It hurt me that you could say that when you know I'm only falling head over heels for you . I don't take chances to go around kissing someone's butts when you're not looking okay ? I love you but now, I don't know, I'm sad... Really sad about what's going on right now ...

I'm going to cross oceans today morning after solat raya. I hope that you won't think of me, that way... It'll be easier for you to live your life the way you wanted to. I won't be there to be upset . I won't know anyways . You won't have to tell me . Plus, you need your friends more than me . That's how it should be ... Not me .